What If? Collaboration Stories: BeecroftA Edition
by BeecroftA
Summary: My collection of short stories written for Cimar's "What If?" Collaboration story! Part 2: Private Eye Monologues is now ongoing! Rated T for sauciness. Cover art by StarWisherMidnight on deviantart.
1. Detachable Tails I

**A/N: Here it is, my collection of stories created for Cimar of Turalis-WildeHopps' epic "What If…?" Collaboration story! For those who have not read it before (recommended but not essential here), here is the premise: one day during a routine police patrol, Nick and Judy become acquainted with a panther named Mr. Fitwick, who runs a high-tech arcade that includes a virtual reality machine called the Prototype Inhibitor of Experimental Alternate Reality, or the P.I.X.A.R machine for short. Through this machine Nick and Judy get to explore a multitude of alternate realities, from the dawn of predator/prey harmony to being Hitmammals. Most stories (written by many different and talented authors) take place during these VR experiences, while others, including this story and the next, take place in Nick and Judy's personal life. I hope you enjoy!**

 **Note: in this story, Nick and Judy are married and have been trying to start a family. Rated T for saucy scenes.**

* * *

"Now remember, Nick: bank, dry cleaners, library, groceries. You got all that?"

"Yes, yes, I know Carrots, I did not forget your list." Nick pulled said list out of his pocket and waved it in front of Judy's face.

The fox and rabbit pair were standing outside their car in the parking lot of the newly opened Savannah Central branch of Mousey's Department Store. Unlike the Little Rodentia branch, this outlet catered to both rodent-sized and small to medium-sized mammals like Judy, so she and Fru-Fru had decided to enjoy a day of clothes shopping together. Nick had been given a choice between joining them and doing the weekly errands that afternoon, and like all sensible males he had chosen the latter. The two were feeling oddly sentimental at the moment, because between their shared careers and home life it was rare they spent as much as an afternoon apart.

"Good, okay then. Bye Nick!" Judy kissed her fox's cheek.

"Bye Carrots."

"And bye, Nick!" Judy bent down and waved at somewhere behind Nick.

Nick glanced behind himself, confused. "Uh, you just said that."

Judy gave him a faux-annoyed look and pointed downwards, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to _him_."

"Him? Him wh-" Nick cut off when he realized who, or what, she was referring to. He groaned. "Carrots, let's not do _that_ again."

Judy put on her best innocent face. "Do what, Sweetheart?"

" _You know…_ " Nick muttered.

"Oh _pleeease?_ " Judy gave him the Bambi eyes, which he could never resist.

" _Fine,"_ Nick groaned. He turned his back to Judy, and raised his tail as best he could up to her eye level. "Say bye-bye to Carrots."

The tip of the tail waved bye-bye in front of Judy's face, making the rabbit squeal with delight. "Tail hug!" she suddenly cried out. And before Nick could stop her she grabbed the fluffy appendage in both paws and nuzzled her face in it, delighting in its softness. Nick didn't mind when Judy handled his tail, in fact he loved it since that was a privilege reserved for mates, but he still didn't like it when she pretended his tail was alive; he had somewhat painful memories of the first time she did that, even if it had all been a hustle to get him to cuddle with her.

Judy gave his tail one more nuzzle and finally released it. "Okay Nick, Fru-Fru's waiting, I'll see you at dinnertime!"

"Seeya Fluff!" Nick waved bye as Judy scooted off across the parking lot and into the mall. He sighed, got into the car, and drove off. A couple of hours later, with all of his errands done, the lonely fox decided to just head home and watch Game of Packs or whatever was on TV until Judy came back. Turning a corner towards the route back to their building, Nick suddenly realized he was driving through the very neighborhood he had grown up in. Puttering along down the street, on the left he saw a bakery he and his mother had used to go to, and coming up on the right was a furniture warehouse that used to be a cinema she had worked in. Feeling a rush of nostalgia Nick considered stopping at his mom's house for an impromptu visit before remembering she would be at work now.

And then he noticed something else on his right, a store he had spent many happy hours of his childhood in: Zoonko's Joke Shop. Surprised to find the old place was still open, Nick pulled over in front of it. He had several fond memories associated with that place, like the magic set he had bought there when he was ten and used to put on a show for his mother, or the industrial-strength superglue he had bought and put on that bully Billy Ramsey's seat in the cafeteria. He smirked at that memory.

The sales display in the window then caught his eye: it was a row of life-sized animal tails, the specimens ranging from the wormlike tail of a rat to the fluffy cottontail of a rabbit to the long tufted tail of a lion, and right in the middle was a fox tail that looked uncannily like Nick's own. Each had a little piece of Velcro attached at one end, and the sign above them read _DETACHABLE TAILS – SHOCK YOUR FRIENDS!_

 _Detachable tails, eh?_ Nick then got an idea. A wonderful, awful idea. One that might make Judy think twice the next time she decided to play like his tail was alive. With a sinister grin spreading across his face, Nick parked, turned off the car and went into the shop.

* * *

"Nick, I'm home!" Judy called out.

"Be right there, Honey!" Nick called back from the bathroom. He had spent over an hour browsing through Zoonko's before buying the fake fox tail, and while it had attached with velcro to the rear of his pants just fine, there was a problem the storeowner had failed to mention: how to conceal his real tail. The best he could do was wrap the appendage around his midsection and hide it under his shirt, but no matter how much he sucked in his gut his tail still left a noticeable bulge under his shirt that went all around, making him look positively pear-shaped. And Judy saw him every day, so he could hardly say he had spontaneously gained a potbelly from eating too many doughnuts. Then he got an idea – he grabbed his emerald green bathrobe off the hook on the door, wrapped it around himself, and stuck the fake tail through the hole on the back. Perfect. The bulky robe concealed the bulge completely and nobody could tell the difference. He strolled out of the bathroom to the kitchen, where Judy was putting her shopping bags down on the counter.

"So Nick, what do you want to do toni-" Judy suddenly paused as she turned around and noticed Nick's attire. "Why are you wearing your robe now?" she asked.

"Oh, this? Uh… I thought a quiet night in tonight would be nice," Nick replied. Deliberately swaying his hips to make the fake tail move like it was real he strolled over to his armchair and plopped down in it. "For a change of pace, you know? Instead of going to the arcade I thought we could just… hang out in our jammies and watch a movie or play a game or something. Just the two of us."

That sounded somewhat lame coming out of his mouth, but Nick figured suggesting a cozy atmosphere would be the best way to get Judy in a tail-hugging mood. Fortunately, the bunny seemed to love the idea, for a large smile was spreading across her face.

"Hmm…" Judy tapped her lips thoughtfully. "You know, I'm really glad you're up for that, because I feel the exact same way!" Suddenly she grabbed one of her parcels and started towards the bedroom, "And I know _just_ what to wear, for I just bought it today."

" _Ooh_ , uh, I mean, okay," Nick stammered, sudden intrigue replacing thoughts of the tail prank in his mind as Judy disappeared through the bedroom door. He stared longingly at said door for a few minutes before Judy called out from behind it: "Nick?"

"That's m'name."

"Would you please close your eyes?"

Further excited by this request Nick obediently shut his eyes, but listened with all his might as their bedroom door creaked open and Judy's light and soft footsteps approached him. "Okay," she called out, "Open your eyes!"

Nick eagerly opened his eyes, only to be greeted with the sight of Judy wearing her usual cream-colored robe patterned with carrots. This was not unwelcome for she looked positively adorable in that robe, but it was still a letdown after all that buildup.

"Uh, it's nice, Carrots. Could've sworn you already owned a robe just like that, but-"

And then the fox's words died in his mouth as his wife opened up her robe and revealed exactly what she was wearing underneath. Nick's eyes bulged, his throat went completely dry, and any further thoughts of the detachable tail instantly evaporated from his mind. He tried to say something, anything, but all he could sputter out was " _Oh…_ " Judy smiled in delight, and quickly closed her robe again. Nick couldn't even protest he was so stunned.

After a few more seconds of flatly staring, Nick started to find his voice again. "Is _that_ …"

"The one in the 'catalogue' I caught you looking at the other day? Yes," Judy said with an impish grin.

Nick rubbed the back of his neck guiltily. "I'd hardly call it a 'catalogue', since I found it in one of those males-only barber shops."

"If it had prices listed, it was a catalogue," Judy replied.

Nick nodded, finding no will or reason to argue, "Err, speaking of prices, wasn't that one really-"

"-Expensive? Don't worry, Fru-Fru got me a discount."

"Oh, how nice of her," said Nick, fanning himself with his paw as he suddenly felt very warm. "Still… with such a, uh, price, you'd think they could afford to give it a little more, uh…" he was still having difficulty forming words, "…fabric."

Judy chuckled. "Haven't you heard, sweetheart? The 'minimalist' style is very in right now."

Nick nodded again, this time very much in approval. "I gotta say Fluff, the fuzzy pawcuffs are a nice touch."

"Thanks, I had it personalized a little for you."

"Oh? Well in that case, I also love the little fake police badge on your right-"

"Thank you."

"And those two cute little bows on your-"

"You sure got an eyeful in that one second, didn't you?"

"What can I say? I've got a photographic memory for your beautiful bunny bod."

Judy giggled and blushed, immensely flattered.

Nick started pinching himself, "Is this a dream? Waitaminit, that's it! I'm back in the arcade hooked up to the P.I.X.A.R machine, and it must be in sexy mode and the dial is set to ten because only in my greatest dreams have I ever seen you wear anything like that!"

"Don't you remember, Nick? If you think you're in the P.I.X.A.R machine, then you're not in the P.I.X.A.R machine." Judy then grinned and flashed open her robe at Nick for another second before closing it again. "But isn't reality _so_ much better at times like these?"

" _Yeahhh…_ " Nick sputtered, almost drooling. He still wasn't entirely convinced this wasn't some elaborate P.I.X.A.R experience. "Err, what brought this on, Carrots? Not that I'm complaining or anything, goodness no, I just… never saw you wear anything like _that_ before."

And then, to Nick's surprise, Judy sighed, and her ears drooped a little. "Well, the truth is, Nick…"

She walked over to Nick and climbed onto his lap, looking into his eyes. "You remember that… call to the Honeywell Institute I told you about?"

Nick nodded solemnly, well-remembering his and Judy's desire for children, and her morose reaction to the news that conceiving kits of their own was practically zero.

"Well, while Fru-Fru and I were out shopping today, she showed me this article that mentioned the Institute, and one of their interspecies patients, a wolf and fox couple, just announced they're pregnant. _A wolf and a fox_ , Nick. And I know that they are still somewhat related but...that just…filled me with hope." Judy smiled, and started fondly scratching the underside of Nick's chin, her usual cheery self returning. "So what do you say, Hot Shot? Feel like giving Mother Nature a shot tonight?" She moved her paw to a special spot under his ear and scratched harder. "Or two, or three…?"

Nick let out a deep purr, and started stroking her little tail in a way that immediately affirmed a yes. "You didn't have to buy a new outfit for _that_ , Cottontail. If you had just asked politely, I'm _sure_ I would have come around."

"True, but the look on your face was _so_ worth it." Judy got off Nick's lap and started backing away in the direction of the bedroom. "I was going to wait until after dinner to show you this, but suddenly I'm not very hungry," She raised an eyebrow seductively, "At least, not for _food_."

"Oh, well _I_ am _very_ hungry right now, Carrots," said Nick, slowly and provocatively sliding off the chair and onto all fours on the floor, bearing his teeth at her in a special way. "And do you know what I'm hungry for?"

"What?" Judy asked, stiffening with anticipation and not caring how corny they both sounded right now. Nick licked his chops with relish.

" _Rabbit."_

Nick let out a playful growl and pounced at his mate. With a squeal Judy dodged, and hopped onto the couch. This was one of their favorite games, playing predator-and-prey, and tonight Nick was determined to catch his prey as soon as possible. Nick leapt after Judy and she dodged again, flipping over the back of the couch and making a beeline for the bedroom. Nick scurried on all fours after her, delighting in his wife's decision to cut to the chase. Judy made it to their huge bed and scrambled up onto it, but before she could make it all the way up Nick grabbed her by the back of her robe, "GOTCHA, FLUFF!" With a squeal Judy quickly undid the string on her robe and wiggled out, finally exposing her new outfit for Nick to see in its entirety. But he only got a second to stare at it from the back and take in the way it accentuated her fluffy tail and rear before she vaulted over the side of the bed. Hungry for another look he scrambled over the bed and looked down, watching one of Judy's grey feet disappear under the bed as the giggling bunny crawled underneath on her stomach to get away from him. Without another thought Nick quickly crawled over to the other side to intercept her the moment she emerged, but then he heard movement behind him that signalled all too late that his wife had doubled back and was about to pounce on him from behind. He stiffened for impact…

"Tail Hug!" cried Judy.

" _Tail hu-"_ Nick started before the memory of the fake tail currently stuck to his rear came crashing back, "Carrots, WAIT!"

 _Shrrrip!_

" _WAHHH!"_

But he was too late. Nick whipped around to see a look of pure horror on his wife's face as she stared down at the lifeless tail in her paws, clearly not seeing it was a fake. Nick reached out his paw to try and calm her:

"Judy, it's okay…"

" _AHHHHH!"_

Judy screamed again and dropped the tail like a live snake and stumbled back trying to get as far away from the thing as possible. "W-WOAH! _Oof!_ " And in her haste she tripped over the sheets and fell off the bed with a thud.

"Carrots? Carrots, you didn't really break my tail! Look!" Nick unwound his real tail and pulled it out of the hole in his robe to show her, "It's still good, see? Carrots-"

" _Oww…"_ moaned the bunny down below. Nick's blood turned to ice.

* * *

An hour later, the pair were in their car driving back home. After Judy had fallen down, Nick had gone into panic mode and picked her up and taken her to the hospital, the bunny too stunned to even protest until they were already in the car. Nick's panicked reaction had quickly turned to relief when he learned that she had suffered nothing more than a sprained ankle and a bump to the head, but that relief quickly turned to a bruise to his dignity once he was explaining to the doctor just how the injury had occurred. Judy was now hunched over in her seat, holding an ice pack to her swollen ankle and seething at him.

"You didn't have to take me to the hospital, you know." She grumbled.

"Sorry Carrots, but I panicked. You were lying on the floor, clearly in pain and clutching your leg, I was scared you had broken something."

"If you had remembered your cop training, you would have remembered that if I can still move my foot, the ankle is not broken."

"You could have told me you could move it."

"I did! But you were so busy driving like a maniac nothing could get through to you! It was a miracle we even got to the hospital in one piece!"

"Well, I'm sorry! I'm sorry about the fake tail. I really did forget I had it, and I'm sorry that I panicked for my mate's well-being and wanted to be sure you were okay. Sorry."

There was a stony silence between them for a moment, and then Judy muttered:

"You could have at least let me change out of this _negligée_ first."

* * *

 **A/N: In the beginning, Nick's little dislike for Judy playing with his tail like that is inspired directly by Cimar's story "A Tail of Love". Super-funny story if you haven't read it. Also, the Honeywell Institute belongs to eng050599.**


	2. Detachable Tails II (Finale)

The rest of the evening was a sombre affair. Judy had not said a single word to Nick since the drive home from the hospital, nor had she accepted any help from him when they got home but instead hobbled on her sprained ankle into their apartment alone. She also showed no response to any of his apologies other than a flick of the ears and a shrug, and when dinnertime came around she had simply nuked one of her Carrots-for-One packs and eaten that without so much as asking Nick if he wanted one (not that he would have anyway).

Nick was stunned; he had seen Judy mad more times before than he could count, but never once had she given him the cold shoulder like this. He could handle angry Judy and sad Judy, but this was a whole new ball park. Now it was bedtime, and she showed no sign of letting up, which meant that any further nocturnal activities were off the table for tonight. To further demonstrate that, Judy had long-since removed her beautiful new _negligée_ and replaced it with the oldest and frumpiest nightgown she owned. But when Nick got under the covers and laid on his side and opened his arms to accept Judy as the little spoon as usual, to his surprise she just shoved a pillow between them and turned on her side away from him without so much as a goodnight. That was the last straw for Nick.

"Alright, Carrots, how long is this gonna go on?"

"I dunno, check with me in the morning," Judy responded without looking at him.

"I thought we had a rule never to go to bed mad?" Nick asked.

"I am not mad, I am just not happy with you," Judy contradicted.

"But Carrots, I've apologized over a dozen times already! Please, tell me what I can do to make this up to you!"

"For now, just give me space."

Nick threw his paws up in exasperation, before remembering another arguing point. "Fine. But what about trying to make a baby tonight?"

"Rabbits can conceive any time of the month. Waiting a few more days won't matter."

 _A few more days?_ Nick couldn't bear the idea. It was time to plead.

" _Pweeease,_ Carrots? Just one little cuddle?You know I can't sleep without my favorite snuggle bunny cuddled up next to me."

And then, to his surprise and delight, Judy started shifting and then turning over. But when she was on her other side facing him, her expression was one of nothing but disdain and mock disgust. " _Bleeech_ , is that what I sound like to you all the time?"

Nick's heart sank. "I'm serious, Carrots, I wanna cuddle! Just give me a chance! _C'monnn_ …" He wiggled his eyebrows at her. "I'll make it worth your while."

Judy remained unyielding. "Nice try, Slick, but I already have a cuddle buddy in mind for tonight, and I'm sure he'll be _every_ bit as good as you." Judy then leaned over her side of the bed, reached under it, and pulled out the fake tail Nick had used with such disastrous results. She wrapped her body around the thing and turned away from Nick again. "Yep, just as soft, just as warm, and he even still smells a little like you. I think I'll call him "Little Nicky"."

Nick was not amused. "Now that's just cold, Fluff."

"Don't be sore, Nick. If it helps, you can have Judy junior tonight."

Nick frowned, confused. "'Judy junior'?"

Judy opened a drawer in her bedside table, pulled out something grey and blue and tossed it to Nick without looking at him. Nick examined the thing: it was an old stuffed rabbit with grey fur like Judy, wearing a blue outfit with a fabric badge on the front that read _Junior ZPD Officer_.

"Hardy, har, har," said Nick.

"Sorry pal, but that's all the rabbit you're getting tonight," said Judy. With that she switched off her lamp and burrowed deeper into her pillow and Little Nicky. "Goodnight."

Nick let out a _hmph_ , plopped Judy junior on his own bedside table, and turned over to try to get to sleep. But a few minutes later he reached up, grabbed the doll again, and pulled it close to his chest, sighing deeply.

This did not go unnoticed by Judy senior.

* * *

The next morning, Judy sat up in their bed with her sprained ankle propped up on a pillow, reading a book and still wearing her nightclothes, in contrast to Nick who was now just finishing putting on his ZPD uniform.

"Are you _sure_ you're not coming into work today?" he asked.

"I can't run, remember?" Judy replied with a frown. "With my ankle like this they'll just put me put me on desk duty. Seems as good a day as any to use one of my sick days."

"Yeah, but I know you, Fluff. You never take a sick day. Even last year when you got snuffles, remember that? You tried to come in when you were sneezing and hacking all over the place and it took two of us to drag you home and cuff you to the bed to make you stay there."

"Well, there's a first time for everything." With that Judy simply crossed her arms, pouted her lips and looked away from him without another word.

Nick sighed as he finished tying his tie. "C'mon Judy, I've said I was sorry a dozen times, what more can I do?"

Judy said nothing. With that, Nick simply gathered his wallet and phone from the top of the bureau and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Judy didn't move until she heard the front door slam. And then, quick as a flash she got out of bed, hobbled over to the bureau and grabbed her own phone. In truth, she had forgiven Nick by now, even found the whole fiasco a little funny, but that didn't mean a little revenge wasn't in order. Climbing back on the bed as carefully as possible, she unlocked her phone and started searching through her contacts, selecting one. The phone on the other end rang several times before it was answered:

" _Ulloo_ …?"

"Hello, Finnick? It's Judy." The rabbit mentally slapped herself when she realized how early it still was. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

" _Yes."_ Finnick spoke with a great deal of irritation at being awoken, but he didn't hang up. " _Whadda you want, Fluff?"_

"Um, well, look, Nick pulled this practical joke on me yesterday, and I would really, _really_ like to get him back, and I can use your help."

There was a short pause on Finnick's end. And then:

" _Let me get this straight: YOU want to play a trick on Nick?"_

"Yes."

" _Your husband and my ex-partner who used to make me dress up like some dumb toddler? And you want MY help?"_

"Uh, yes."

" _Where are you?"_

"Our apartment."

" _I'll be right over."_ And the fennec hung right up.

Clutching her phone, Judy got out of bed and hobbled to the kitchen. If she guessed right, when Nick had bought that fake fox tail he had gotten a receipt, and he would have thrown it in the recycling bin when he got home. Which meant if she found the receipt, she could find where he had gotten the tail.

And see if she could find something like it of her own.

* * *

 _Three hours later_

Nick sat at his desk in his cubicle at the precinct, glumly filling out paperwork he had been putting off all week. When he had shown up alone today the chief had given him the choice of this or parking duty, and this was the oh-so-slightly more bearable of the two, or so he had thought. Sighing, he glanced backwards at the desk that was usually occupied by his wife, which was littered with pictures of her rabbit family and of the two of them together.

Suddenly his phone buzzed. Startled out of his reverie, Nick snatched it up, and to his surprise and relief, it was a text from Judy:

 _I'm bored, I think I'll come in after all._

Nick's expression brightened as he typed out a response:

 _Just couldnt stay away from me and work could u?_

He could almost feel Judy roll her eyes from wherever she was. The rabbit quickly responded:

 _Work yes, you I can still do without._

That stung a little, but Nick didn't let it get to him.

 _Face it fluff, you cant last a day without me._

 _No, I just can't stand boredom._

Something then occurred to Nick:

 _How r u getting here? Dont tell me your riding subway on that ankle._

Judy's response was quick and concise:

 _Don't worry, I got a ride. Meet me at the parking lot in ten minutes, would you?_

 _Sure thing fluff._

Nick pocketed his phone and left the cubicle for the precinct's parking lot.

* * *

Outside, Nick didn't even have to wait five minutes before he heard a loud vroom coming from around the corner, accompanied by familiar rap music blaring. He was startled; he had expected a taxi or his mom's car, NOT the shabby red and brown Lobos Z1 van he immediately recognized. The painted vehicle fishtailed around the lot and screeched to a halt in a nearby stall. Nick ran over to the driver's side window, which rolled down to reveal his miniscule fennec fox friend and former partner Finnick, who was wearing his usual sunglasses and grumpy expression along with a black knit cap on his head, his oversized ears protruding from holes in the top.

"One bunny cop, special delivery." Finnick announced in his deep gruff voice.

Nick was pleased to see his old friend again, even though the circumstances were a little odd. "Morning big guy, what brings you here today?"

"Your wife called, seemed to think I was some kinda taxi service. I said no, but then she started telling me this GREAT story about last night. Way to get yourself knotblocked, ha HA!"

Nick glared over at his wife, who was sitting in the passenger's seat. "Carrots, you _told_ him?"

"I needed a ride, and he wouldn't give me one unless I told him why," Judy answered. When Nick noticed she didn't sound as frosty towards him as she did that morning she leaned over and gazed into his eyes: "Nick, I've thought it over, and maybe I overreacted to that fake tail joke. I forgive you."

Nick's ears perked up, "Really?" And then his look darkened. "Wait, you told him the story of last night and then you decided to forgive me all in less than ten minutes? I'm not buying it Fluff."

"It's true, Nick! And as a token of my forgiveness, I'll even give you permission to pet my tail out in public this one time, okay?"

"Uhh…" Nick did like petting Judy's tail, but this seemed a random thing for her to give him permission for; he felt his suspect-o-meter go up another notch. "…Thanks, Fluff?"

Judy nodded. "Great, let's get to work. Thanks for the ride Finnick!" Judy opened the passenger door and then stopped. "A little help here Nick?"

"Oh yeah, sorry!" said Nick, having forgotten about her sprained ankle. He moved around the van to her side and held out his arms for her. Judy turned around and started climbing out, Nick putting his paws on her hips to help her down, her bunny butt and fluffy tail staring him in the face, just begging to be petted…

" _Waaiit_ a minute!" Nick exclaimed. Something was off about Judy's rear. "Now what do we have here?" He reached down and pulled on her tail and it came off in his paw, the sound of Velcro ripping as he did so. He put Judy down and waved the detachable tail in front of her nose, "Care to explain?"

Judy snorted in disappointment. "How did you know?"

"Like I told you Carrots, I have a photographic memory for your bunny body. And that includes noticing little details like when the grey in your fur is off, or when your tail has a price sticker attached," He peeled off the orange sticker for emphasis, "And I might add, this was in the window at Zoonko's yesterday," With a mocking air he put his paws on his hips, clearly enjoying himself: "Now what do you have to say for yourself?"

Judy took a moment to adjust her furtight trousers, allowing her real tail to poke back through the hole, before putting her own paws on her hips and glaring up at him in defiance,

" _Fine,_ I know you like to touch my tail whenever you get the chance, so I thought I'd get you back for last night."

"Aww, and I thought you had really forgiven me! Fluff, haven't you ever heard the saying 'two wrongs don't make a right'?"

"Yeah, but I've always preferred 'turnabout is fair play'!" Judy countered.

Nick shrugged, "Whatever. Call it even then?"

"Sure, fine, whatever." The two started walking away from Finnick's van towards the precinct building before Judy added, "I really do forgive you though – Finnick gave me some helpful advice while we were out shopping for a fake tail."

"Izzat so? Hey!" Nick turned and walked back up to the van. "Never figured you for a marriage counselor, Finn! You truly are a fox of many talents!"

Finnick snorted in annoyance. "Yeah, well, I been in enough therapy to know a thing or two."

Nick smirked at him. "Aww, let me guess: you realized you liked playing my son after all and you just couldn't take it?"

" _Shut up_ …" growled Finnick.

"And you were too ashamed to tell me? Your own father?"

"THAT'S IT!" The fennec leapt out of his booster seat and started climbing out the passenger side, "Now, you listen here, Wilde-" he landed in front of Nick and slammed the car door beside him-

 _Slam!_

"Y _OOOWW!_ "

His ear was trapped in the door! Finnick let out a guttural scream and started instinctively yanking his head back to pull his ear out, squealing like a piglet.

"Finnick, omygod, _FINNICK!_ " Nick rushed to his friend's aid. Quick as a flash Nick yanked the door handle and opened the door, freeing the fennec. Finnick collapsed to the ground, grunting with pain and clutching his crushed ear.

"Hold still buddy, let me take a look-" Nick gathered up his friend and supported him in his arms, but no sooner did Nick hold up the fennec's ear to examine it when it came right off in his paws!

"AHHH!"

" _YAAAAHHH!"_ Both Nick and Finnick screamed at once as blood gushed out of the gaping hole in Finnick's head and Nick dropped the disembodied ear like a live snake as his nose filled with the overwhelming tang of… ketchup?

" _Blaagh_ ," groaned Finnick suddenly. His tongue lolled out dramatically and he started waving his arms about. "Blood, blood, blooood…" Then he stopped and peered over at Judy, who was grinning wildly. "Sorry Fluff, but this hammin' it up just ain't my style," He looked up at Nick and smiled. "HA HA HA!" he laughed with all his might. Getting out of Nick's arms Finnick dusted himself off and removed his knit cap, revealing his real ear folded inside along with a headband that attached to the fake ear and a small supply of ketchup for fake blood, which he started wiping off with a cloth from his pocket. Nick's heart was still pounding from his moment of shock, and he noticed he was panting. Hoping to prevent Finnick and Judy from seeing this he casually bent down to examine the ketchup-covered fake ear on the ground; Nick didn't know where they got it from, but he had a sneaking suspicion there was now a one-eared life-sized fennec fox doll lying around somewhere. His panting subsided so he got up and faced his compatriots with his greatest smirk of indifference.

"Well, that was a really nice set-up you two – too bad it was all for nothing, you didn't get me."

Finnick and Judy both smirked back at him, clearly not buying it. It was Finnick who spoke:

"I heard that scream, Nick – we got you for at least a second, and that's good enough. Fluff and I got big ears, we heard you."

"You can't prove it."

"Can't we…?" Finnick turned to Judy, "Fluff?"

Judy held up a phone Nick hadn't noticed in her paw before, which showed an image of Nick bent over Finnick. She pressed the screen:

" _AHHH!"_

" _YAAAAHHH!"_

Nick felt his smirk of indifference fade. Judy passed the phone to Finnick, who snickered smugly up at Nick. "I don't know about you, but I heard two screams. And I think that one that sounded like a girl was you."

He checked the clock on his phone, "Well, love to stick around and laugh at you some more Nick, but I gotta go, horse races start at noon. Nice catchin' up with you Fluff!" He hopped back in the van, turned it on and put on his sunglasses, "You ever do get that fox-bunny kit you want, I got a one-eared fox doll it can play with. Chow!"

And the fennec zoomed out of the parking lot, leaving Nick and Judy alone. Once again the pair started walking towards the doors of the precinct, Judy leaning onto Nick for support. Nick held up the ketchup-covered fake ear. "Your idea, Carrots?"

Judy shrugged, "Sort of – I was going to do the fake ear in the door, but Finnick said you wouldn't go for it and insisted he do it instead. And then he suggested using the fake tail to throw you off, and I just couldn't resist the part with the ketchup."

"Nice touch," Nick said as he tossed the thing in a nearby trashcan. "Where did you get _that_ idea?"

"Believe me, you don't want to know how many times I got caught in the cruiser doors while I was training at the academy."

"And you just knew Finnick would get out and slam the door in anger?"

"We knew you'd try and provoke him sooner or later, it's like your favorite hobby."

"And your saying you've forgiven me – twice now – was that all a ruse too?"

"Oh no, I'd actually forgiven you before you walked out the door today. But Finnick really did give me some great advice – on how to get you."

Nick smiled. "Sly bunny."

"Dumb fox."

"Call it even now?"

"Yes please."

* * *

The rest of the day passed without further incident. Nick and Judy spent the whole shift working together in their cubicle, Nick aiding her whenever she needed and when the clock struck six Nick scooped Judy up and carried her through the precinct in his arms to their car, attracting only a few onlookers. He insisted on cooking dinner that night so Judy could stay off her injured ankle, and when bedtime rolled around Nick carried Judy to their bedroom and laid her on the bed bridal-style.

"So, how was it sleeping with 'Little Nicky' last night?" he asked.

"Oh, he was great," Judy replied, "He didn't snore, he didn't kick me in my sleep, he didn't have godawful morning breath…" She gave her husband a look of great fondness, "But he just wasn't you."

"Aww, Fluff…" Nick crawled into bed beside her and leaned in close. "Come here, you." They embraced, and Nick wrapped his long arms around his beloved bunny and gently placed his soft paws on her back…

 _BZZZZZ!_

" _WAAAAA!"_ Judy shrieked and recoiled at the fox's touch.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Nick laughed in unbridled merriment as he lifted his paw off Judy's back to reveal a silver joy buzzer in his palm. Judy was not amused.

"Ooh… You big _dope!_ " she exclaimed as she punched Nick in the shoulder, not stifling the fox's laughter in the slightest. "You never learn, do you?"

"Nope," Nick stated proudly. "And it is one of the things you love most about me."

He took off the buzzer and put it on the bedside table, and snuggled back up to Judy. "You'd better hide that thing well," the rabbit muttered, "Because the next time you feel like sleeping in I know _just_ how to wake you up."

Nick chuckled, and then a thought occurred to him:

"You know, if we ever do have a kit, I hope it's a boy and he inherits my sense of humor."

Judy rolled her eyes. "If we ever have a son with your sense of humor he'd better have your dashing good looks too, because that's the only thing that's going to save him."

"Save him from _who?_ You?"

"No no, his sister, of course."

" _Sister…"_ Nick was stunned by the thought. He knew the chances of him and Judy having just one child together was slim at best, but two or more kits might go beyond a miracle. "Do you really think that could ever happen, a son _and_ a daughter? Or even more?"

Judy shrugged. "I'll take whatever we get, Nick. But if anyone can do it, we can. You know how good we bunnies are at multiplying."

Then she reached up and started scratching at that special place just below Nick's ear. "And speaking of which, where were we before we were so _rudely_ interrupted last night?"

Nick let out a deep purr.

* * *

 **A/N: _Annnd_ scene! I hope you enjoyed that little slice of life, and hope you subscribe for the upcoming part two: Private Eye Monologues!**


	3. Private Eye Monologues I

**A/N: And here it is, the first chapter of my new story for Cimar's "What If" project: Private Eye Monologues! For those who don't follow that story, here is a recap: a few months to a year after the events of "Detachable Tails", Judy and Nick's wish for children came true when Judy became miraculously pregnant and soon after gave birth to twins: a bunny kit named Ella and a fox kit named Ridley. This story picks up four weeks after that blessed event, where Nick and Judy learn that balancing work and being new parents is easier said than done.  
**

 **Edited by: DrummerMax64**

* * *

A familiar dissolving of colors fading to black informed Nick that his and Judy's latest PIXAR experience was finished. Removing his headpiece, Nick straightened up in his seat and stretched, groaning in satisfaction at the crackling of his joints. That had been a very enjoyable simulation: he had been Sherlock Hounds, the greatest detective of all time, solving a case no one else could solve in 19th-century Liondon with his faithful partner and sidekick, Dr. Judy Hoppson. Glancing beside him, he noticed Judy hadn't taken off her headset yet, nor had she given any indication that she knew the session was over. She just sat there, unmoving. Just as he was waving a paw and snapping his fingers in front of her helmeted face, Judy suddenly let out a grunt that sounded suspiciously like a snore. Nick's jaw dropped: had Judy fallen _asleep_ during their simulation? That had never happened before. He started shaking her shoulder. "Carrots? Carrots, wake up."

"Sherlock, you _astonish_ me!" Judy suddenly cried out. She then startled, and her ears twitched, and Nick didn't need to see her eyes to know she was just now realizing the simulation was over.

"Carrots, were you _asleep_?"

" _Yaawwwn_ , yeah, never knew you could do that while in the PIXAR machine." Judy took off her helmet and started rubbing sleep-dust out of her violet eyes.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Nick asked.

Judy blinked slowly, still in the process of waking, and thought hard. "I remember we were in the villain's lair, in some apothecary or something."

"And we found some vital clues and got into a brawl with Professor Moliarty's thugs and they hit you over the head. That explains why you never got up after that; I had to solve the whole rest of the case myself."

"Sorry Nick, but I did tell you I wasn't in much shape for going out tonight. Frankly, it might have been better if we'd just stayed home and sent the babies to your mother's instead."

"I'm just as sleep-deprived as you are, and I had a _great_ time!" said Nick with vigour.

"If you say so," said Judy nonchalantly. She stood up, and then bent over and winced slightly, putting her paw to her abdomen.

"Carrots, are you okay?" Nick asked concernedly.

Judy winced again, and nodded. "I'm fine, Nick. I just sat in the same position for too long."

The complicated process of Ridley and Ella's birth four weeks before had required Judy to undergo emergency surgery, which she was still recovering from. She and Nick had both been on leave from the ZPD ever since, with Nick due to go back to work the next day and Judy scheduled to rejoin him a week later. For his last night on parental leave Nick had requested they spend the evening together at Fitwick's arcade, their first outing together since the babies had been born. The past four weeks seemed to have passed by in a blurring haze of diapers, feedings, laundry and especially screams and cries since the twins had both developed colic. Even Judy, who was no stranger to taking care of babies, was starting to feel overwrought. Nick suffered the worst, having no such experience before his own children had come along, but that didn't stop him from putting on his usual unflappable exterior.

Judy straightened up, and slung her purse over her shoulder. "Shall we go and rescue your mother now?"

"What, and deprive Mom of precious time with her grandchildren? Perish the thought," said Nick. "Can't we stay out a little longer? Maybe drop in at the 10-7 or something?"

" _Yaawwwn,_ as much as I'd love to see Trish and the gang again, I'm just too tired for that," said Judy with another large yawn. Nick didn't need to be Sherlock Hounds to know she wasn't faking it.

* * *

Judy slowly turned her key in the lock, and then she and Nick opened the door and entered their apartment as quietly as they could. " _Ellaine?_ " Judy whispered. And then she heard the click of a door in the distance, and Nick's mother came down the hallway towards them.

"Judy! Nicky! Splendid! How was your night out?" Ellaine Wilde asked.

"Can't say it was a lively night, but we had a good time," said Judy. "How are the babies?"

"Oh, they were a handful, but I finally got them to sleep a few minutes ago." Mrs. Wilde replied. The vixen looked distinctly frazzled. "This colic, though… I didn't get a moment of quiet all evening. Judy, I even tried those noise-cancelling headphones of yours – no luck. I think my ears are still ringing."

Judy nodded in understanding. "Those things were only built for rabbits I'm afraid; sure saved my life back in the Bucky-and-Pronk days," She put her purse down and started to remove her jacket, "We thought you of all mammals might be able to help us out, Ellaine. After all, you did raise Nick."

" _Hey!_ " barked said fox.

"I do know some tricks, but Nick was only one kit," said Mrs. Wilde wearily. "I thought for sure you would know, having goodness knows how many brothers and sisters. Why not ask your mother? Surely _she_ knows something about treating colic."

"Bunny kits almost never get colic," said Judy calmly. "They're usually a lot more docile than this. I mean, if even one-tenth of me and my siblings had colic when we were babies, my parents would have died of sleep-deprivation long ago." She shot a nasty look at Nick. "But Ella's an unusual case. I think this is because of the fox in her genes."

"Oh sure, blame _me!_ " said Nick in indignation.

"I blame _yooou!_ " Judy retorted, dramatically pointing her finger at Nick.

Mrs. Wilde chuckled. "You two better get to bed now, you'll be up again in a couple of hours."

"That's a good idea. _Yawwnnn…_ G'night, El," said Judy with a yawn. Mrs. Wilde kissed them both on the cheek and walked out the door without another word, closing it softly behind her.

"Carrots! Listen, can you hear it?" Nick whispered.

"Hear what, Nick?"

Nick held his paws out dramatically, his eyes closed in bliss. "…Silence. In our apartment."

Judy giggled as quietly as she could, and then it turned into yet another yawn. "We'd better do as your mother says, and use it while it lasts. Come on."

Judy started off for their bedroom. Nick, however, had other things in mind. "You know…" he whispered, gliding around Judy and leaning against the wall in front of her, "this moment of quiet seems an awful shame to waste. Maybe we could, er, _you know_ …" He smiled toothily and wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"'Multiply'?" Judy finished for him. Nick nodded eagerly.

Judy just looked at him wearily. "Nothing I'd love more, Slick. But I'm tired, and I'm still sore. Besides, the babies could start crying while we're stuck in 'mandatory-cuddle mode'. Let's just get some sleep." And she started for the bedroom again, Nick following her with a let-down expression on his face.

* * *

Ellaine was wrong. It didn't even take an hour. Forty-seven minutes after the elderly vixen left Nick and Judy were up and about, each handling a yowling, colicky baby. Nick, dressed only in green boxer shorts, had just finished changing Ridley's diaper and was now heading down to the kitchen to feed him, bouncing the fox kit on his shoulder all the way trying to get him to stop crying. Judy was sitting up in their bed, also shirtless and nursing Ella. She would have liked to feed Ridley the same way, but as they had discovered soon after the babies were born, bunny nipples (Nick still couldn't say that without snickering) weren't built for the sharp little fangs of a fox kit and caused Judy pain whenever she tried to nurse him. So, Ridley had to be fed from a bottle most of the time.

Nick entered the kitchen with his son, pulled one of the pre-filled bottles from the fridge and popped it in the bottle warmer, bouncing his still-wailing son all the while.

The bottle warmer gave a little ding, signalling it was done. Nick quickly grabbed the wet, slippery bottle, only for it to slip through his tired fingers and fall to the floor, the rubber nipple popping off and the milk inside spilling everywhere. Panicking, Nick quickly grabbed a nearby dishtowel and bent down to mop up the mess, Ridley still screaming in his arms, and then frantically searched the fridge for another bottle, only to discover to his horror that was the last one. Not wanting to disturb Judy now, he suddenly remembered a carton of kit formula in the kitchen that someone had given them as a baby shower present. The only problem was, Nick had no idea where it was, since Judy had restocked and reorganized the kitchen many times since then. He had to track down that formula, like Sherlock Hounds. He couldn't help but smirk a little at the irony. As Nick began to search the kitchen, still holding Ridley with one arm, memories from his virtual reality experience earlier that evening began to stir in his mind, and narration in a strange voice most unlike his own began to stream from his mouth…

" _ **The cries of the child's hunger wailed in my ears like a poorly-conceived opera as I began searching the crime scene. This is a most unusual case, but no case is too small for the great Sherlock Hounds. As they say, the game is afoot!"**_

Nick bent down and opened the bottom corner cupboard, where they kept the canned goods. He searched it, murmuring as he went along, and found a can or jar of everything except baby formula.

" _ **My slumber was disturbed this evening by the arrival of my new infantile client, who hired me to track a missing formula that, if brewed correctly, will bring glorious silence to the overrun city that is this apartment."**_

Nick swivelled around and opened another cupboard: this one contained only pots and pans. Ridley's cries continued to ring in his ears.

" _ **All the clues have led to the formula being here. Is this truly a case of simple misplacement, or might there be a deeper conspiracy afoot, designed to keep me at bay and away from my nice warm bed?"**_

Nick swooped upwards and opened the top corner cupboard: glassware. Now searching feverishly, he failed to notice Ridley was starting to calm down.

" _ **My infallible powers of deduction have led me to this kitchen; they have never failed me yet, it must be here…"**_

Nick opened another cupboard: plates and cups.

" _ **Somewhere…"**_

Snarling in irritation, he opened another cupboard: herbs and spices.

"WHERE THE %^#* IS IT?!" Nick burst out.

He clapped a paw to his muzzle; he hadn't meant to swear in front of the baby.

"Where is WHAT?" Judy called from the bedroom.

"Err…" Nick decided to pretend he had never made that little slip of the tongue, "I dropped the bottle. Have we still got that can of formula we got at the baby shower?"

"Yeah, it's in the fridge," Judy called back. "Stays nice and fresh that way."

Nick could not see the point in refrigerating an unopened can of powdered formula, but he wasn't about to argue with the resident baby expert. Opening the fridge, he finally found the can in the back lower shelf, behind a Tupperware container of some casserole he suspected predated the children's birth.

Suddenly he stopped, for it was then that he realized the kitchen had gone quiet. He looked down at his son, and to his astonishment, the little kit was not screaming or crying, but simply gazing, fascinated, at his father. Nick didn't know whether it was the voice or the dramatic gestures or simple exhaustion that had stopped Ridley crying, but if it was either of the former he had to remember that trick. But Ridley then screwed up his face and gave a little grunt, and a whiff of the air informed Nick that Ridley was in fact in need of a new diaper again. Nose crinkled and grumbling as he started trudging back to the nursery, Nick made a mental note to ask his mother if he had gone through so many diapers when he was that age.

* * *

 **Note: Trisha and the 10-7 belong to Bluelighthouse.**


	4. Private Eye Monologues II

**Edited by: DrummerMax64**

* * *

Benjamin Clawhauser, the ZPD's favorite chubby cheetah, had been receptionist and dispatcher at Precinct One for going on ten years. And during that time, he had seen mammals in countless states of dress, soberness and consciousness pass his desk, and memorized every face that walked through the front door on a regular basis.

And yet, he still almost didn't recognize the lone fox that walked through the door while he sat there munching on his morning cereal.

The first thing that caught his attention was that instead of walking in one side of the revolving door and coming out in the lobby the fox kept going, walking round and round twice before he seemed to realize his mistake and then get out – on the street side. It was only when the fox finally found his way in and made his way to the desk that Clawhauser recognized Officer Nick Wilde.

" _NICK?"_ The cheetah was so surprised he forgot he still had a spoonful of Lucky Chomps halfway up to his mouth.

Nick looked terrible; his fur was scruffy, there were heavy bags under his eyes, and his uniform looked so dishevelled it was almost comical. Nevertheless, a tired smile spread across the fox's face as he ambled up to Clawhauser's desk.

" _Heyyy_ , Claw the Paw! How ya been? You lookin' good, you lose some weight?"

"Uhhh, I'm good, how are you?" Clawhauser responded.

"Oh I'm _greeeat!_ Carrots is great, the kids are great, everything is just great, great, _great_! How are you?"

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Clawhauser. "That was a lot of 'greats'."

"Oh I'm _fiiine!_ I mean, it's been a crazy month, but I think I'm getting the hang of this whole dad thing. How could I not be alright?"

Clawhauser gestured at Nick with his spoon. "Well, for one thing, your shirt is inside out."

Nick looked down at himself and realized it to be true. "Oh, _jeez!_ "

"And your tie has a white stain right there."

Nick held up his soiled tie and groaned. "That would be Ridley; he's mastered the art of projectile spit-up."

" _And_ …" Clawhauser squinted at Nick's chest, "I think your badge says 'Judy Wilde-Hopps'."

The fox grabbed at the badge on his chest and turned it upside down to look. "Oh, _come on!_ "

The cheetah couldn't resist a laugh at Nick's expense. "Didn't Judy even notice? You know how freakishly obsessive she gets about uniform neatness."

Nick just glared at him. "Are you kidding? She was so busy with the kits this morning, she barely even gave me a kiss goodbye. We used to kiss a hundred times before breakfast, and now I can't even get one..."

Nick leaned over and rested his head on the edge of the counter with a moan. "Do they _ever_ sleep?"

"What is it, colic?" asked Clawhauser. Nick grunted an 'mm-hmm' without lifting his head.

Clawhauser shrugged and took another bite of his cereal. "Can't help you pal, sorry – I have a niece and nephew I cubsit all the time, and they used to sleep twenty hours a day. I know it's hard for you now, but rest assured, it does get better."

"If I could rest, I would not need assurance," groaned Nick. He stayed there for a few more seconds before jolting himself upright.

"Have you at least had any coffee today?" Clawhauser asked.

"No – I barely had time to get dressed. Carrots had this idea of letting me sleep late, but she was so distracted she forgot to wake me up. Hence the state of my clothing." He gestured down at himself.

"Well, then I've got the perfect present for you," said Clawhauser proudly. He opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a little envelope. "A lot of the guys here have kits of their own, so they know what you're going through. A bunch of us chipped in, and we got you this." He passed the envelope to Nick, who opened it to find a gift card inside: a hundred bucks' worth at Snarlbucks Coffee. Nick was genuinely touched.

"Least we could do – the place just wasn't the same without our favorite bunny-and-fox duo," said the cheetah.

"Thanks," said Nick, tucking the envelope into his pocket with the biggest smile he had felt all day. "Welp! I better get to briefing, can't wait to see the look on Chief Buffalo-Butt's face when he sees I'm back with no Carrots to keep me in line."

And without another word, he left Clawhauser and started making his way for the bullpen. The cheetah smiled, and started back on eating his cereal before he remembered something.

"Wait! Nick, your shirt's still inside out!"

But Nick did not seem to have heard him.

* * *

"Welcome back, Nick!"

"How are Judy and the kits?"

"How's parenthood treating ya?"

"Hey! Where are the cigars, Daddy?"

"You look tired – you sure four weeks leave was enough?"

"You okay, Nick? You're looking more sleepy-eyed than usual."

"You okay, Nick? I think your shirt is inside out."

Comments ranging from welcoming to concerned followed Nick into the bullpen as he entered and made his way to the seat he usually shared with Judy. He said his usual hellos, thanked everyone for the gift card and even gave a few high fives, but none of his colleagues needed to be detectives to know he wasn't in his best state. As he climbed up into his chair, he couldn't help but notice how soft the cushioning on the seat was, and how welcoming the wooden tabletop looked to his tired head. The chief wasn't here yet, so maybe he could just rest his head for a minute, catch a few winks before assignments were given out. He closed his eyes…

He was back in 19th-century Liondon, in the seemingly cluttered but actually strategically organized flat he shared with Dr. Hoppson at 221B Barker Street. A jungle gym of glass tubing and other chemistry equipment filled the table on one side of the room, and a massive bookcase crammed with various tomes, textbooks and specimens in jars filled another wall. There was a fire crackling merrily in the nearby fireplace, the skull of a wolf on the mantelpiece surveying the scene. Nick sat at his desk, his feet propped up on its surface, gazing lazily at the hulking figure that stood humbly before him: Chief Inspector Bogo of Spotland Yard. The Cape buffalo wore an incredulous expression on his face while the fox meticulously removed a pinchful of tobacco from the toe of a Purrsian slipper. He used it to fill his ornate Meerkatschaum pipe, lit it, and blew a smoke ring up to the ceiling.

"And that, Inspector Bovidae-Posterior, is my solution to the case of the abominable bunny," stated the detective.

The constable, completely oblivious to the insult that had flown over his head, threw up his beefy grey arms in astonishment. "By Jove, Sherlock Hounds, you do not miss a trick! We in the police force were just plain baffled!"

The fox, ever-incorrigible, waved this off with a dismissive air. "Merely another day's work for the greatest mind in all of Liondon," He took another puff of his pipe, and blew out another smoke ring. "Now, Inspector, do you have any other cases worthy of my time before my flatmate returns?"

"Yes, one," said the inspector. "One Indian elephant, a military officer named Colonel Hathi, checked in at the Grand Hotel just outside Paddington Brown Station last night. He stayed in a room on the top floor, went to sleep at about 11 PM, and awoke this morning to find that someone had removed his trunk while he slept!"

Sherlock Hounds blew out another puff of smoke, nonplussed. "A most ghastly business, Inspector."

"Yes, there were some very important military documents in that trunk. Now, being owned by an elephant, it was a very large and very heavy piece of luggage, and the room was sealed and secured in every possible way! We do not know how the intruder, or two or more, could have possibly entered and taken it without anyone noticing!"

He leaned forward and placed his hooves onto the desk, facing the fox in the chair. "There would be a fine reward for you for the return of those documents!"

Sherlock Hounds calmly brushed some tobacco ashes from the lap of his green windowpane-patterned pants, the lower half of a suit that his partner derided at every possible opportunity but what he himself thought was quite becoming. He stubbed out his pipe and then stood up, straightening the creases on his red silken vest before reaching for the grey scarf, green wool coat, and matching deerstalker cap on the hat rack behind him.

"Then let us go the crime scene, Inspector, although I do believe the journey will be unnecessary, for I have already calculated fourteen possible scenarios for the theft in my head and narrowed it down to three in the time it took me to stand up. I am certain I will have narrowed it down to one by the time we arrive at the hotel."

The fox turned his back to Inspector Bogo, who proceeded to help him put on the pendulous green coat. "The police force of Spotland Yard will be most grateful for your assistance as always, Wilde," said the buffalo.

Sherlock Hounds whipped around, confused. "What was that, Inspector?"

"Wilde…" said the inspector, now sounding angry.

"Yes…?" asked Hounds.

" _WILDE!"_

Nick sprang up. "Yessir!?"

He was back in the bullpen. Precinct One, Zootopia, present day. And there in front of him stood the real-life Chief Bogo, the buffalo's eyes shooting daggers from his podium. Nick heard a muffled mix of whispers and giggles from the other officers in the room, and felt his face grow warm with embarrassment.

Bogo snorted, and turned to his clipboard. "Now that Officer Wilde has decided to rejoin the land of the living, here are today's assignments…"

While Bogo rattled off the usual round of duties to everyone else present, Nick shook his head, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. That short dream had felt so real, like the PIXAR experience he had undergone the night before; he idly wondered if that was some side effect of using the dream-inducing machine under the influence of sleep deprivation.

"And Wilde…" muttered Bogo.

Nick perked up at attention.

The chief held up his clipboard. "Patrol duty, east Savannah Central."

Nick started to get up to leave, but then the chief stopped him. " _Wait!_ Wilde, a word first, if you please."

 _One word or several…_ Nick thought to himself. Normally he would have said that out loud, but somehow this didn't seem like the right time to drive up the chief's blood pressure.

The chief and Nick waited where they were until everyone was out of the room, and then Bogo stepped down, grabbed a chair, and sat down facing Nick. To Nick's surprise, the Cape buffalo did not look angry; in fact, he looked unusually sympathetic.

"Wilde, are you sure you are ready to resume your duties now?" The chief raised an eyebrow, or the spot where an eyebrow would be. "The state of your uniform and the prone position of your head before suggests that may not be the case."

Nick glanced down at himself, and then gazed into Bogo's eyes boldly. "Chief, I know I'm not looking my best right now – in fact I feel more like an extra from _the Stalking Dead_ – but I swear, I am _ready_ to protect and serve again!"

Bogo nodded casually. "I am pleased to hear that, but you would be more than entitled to stay away longer, you know. Four weeks paternity leave is actually very short by our standards at the ZPD."

Nick smirked at him. "Now you're just trying to get rid of me, aren't you?"

"A little, but you cannot deny my concerns are valid."

"Yeah, but I got a family to support now – gotta bring home the bug bacon and all that."

" _Hmm…"_ The chief gazed intently at Nick for a few seconds, scrutinizing him. "Very well then," the chief finally declared. "You're dismissed."

Nick nodded, got up and started for the door.

"And Wilde?"

Nick spun around. "Yeah?"

"Do fix that uniform first."

* * *

An hour later, Nick was riding in his and Judy's old patrol car, the smell of two empty coffee cups and a half-finished third overriding all the other familiar scents inside the cabin. He was definitely more awake now, but a new feeling was starting to overtake his fatigue: loneliness. Besides Judy's absence, this was also the first time he had spent more than five minutes alone in over a month. It was quiet, but it was a deafening sort of quiet. He missed his mate, and he missed his babies. Sure they were colicky now, but he loved their little coos, and their soft fur and the way they smelled… well, maybe not always the way they smelled. Nick had to suppress a sudden desire to drive home just to hold them in his arms again. Maybe for a few minutes at lunchtime…

He was lonely, and he was bored. Patrol duty was dull on the best of days, but without Judy to liven things up the monotony was twice as palpable. And being bored always made him sleepy, which was the last thing he needed right now. The temptation was strong for him to pull over somewhere and just grab a nap, but he couldn't do that. He was an officer of the law, and he was a father now, who had to set a good example for his children. Plus, if a call came in while he was asleep he would never hear the end of it.

And then he remembered the night before, when he had started doing the private eye narration while looking for baby formula. It had been an innocuous task, but narrating it had sure livened things up for him; he had enjoyed doing that little private eye monologue.

Nick looked up at the city skyline in the distance, towering and twisting skyscrapers penetrating the deep blue sky above. And then, once again, narration began to pour from his mouth…

" _ **The towers of Zootopia stand before me, stretching monuments of mammal's progress in the sky. This city believes itself the ultimate monument to progress, where predator and prey alike live in harmony and anyone can be anything…"**_

He threw back a gulp of hot coffee like it was a stiff drink, and then winced because it burned the back of his throat.

" _ **But there is no (**_ _cough_ _ **) harmony, there is no kumbaya. If there were, I would not be sitting here now. This city is broken, and it needs protectors. Like me, and my leporine consort. But she is home now, tending to the fulfillment of the circle of life…"**_

He threw back another gulp of coffee,

"… _ **Leaving me alone to do what needs to be done."**_

He flipped open his shades and slid them over his eyes like Horatio Mane.

" _ **Crime never sleeps, so I in turn must never sleep. I must be ever-vigilant, if I am to have any hope of making this city a better place for my mate, for my mother, and for the two little miracles waiting for me at home."**_

Feeling a renewed sense of drive, Nick shifted the clutch and zoomed down the street, continuing his stream of narration every step of the way through the rest of his patrol.

* * *

 **One Week Later:**

" _Woo-HOO!"_

It was Judy's first day back on the force, and the grey bunny was nothing short of jubilant at being back in uniform and being behind the wheel of their patrol vehicle again, especially once she had learned she could still fit into her old uniform despite having just had babies. Nick idly wondered if that was a rabbit thing or just because Judy was in such good shape to begin with. His mother had called in her vacation days at work and was now looking after Ridley and Ella every day until Nick and Judy could find a more long-term care option.

"This is GREAT, Nick! Team WildeHopps is BACK! Here and ready to make the world a better place again! I really miss the kids, don't you miss the kids? _Ooh_ , I'm so excited! D'you think the kids will be okay? Do you think your mom will be okay?"

Despite the fact that the twins' colic had shown no sign of waning in the past week and Nick and Judy were still quite sleep-deprived, excitement at returning to work had an energizing effect on the bunny, akin to the time Nick had dared her to try an espresso. The fox smiled and patted his paw reassuringly on Judy's.

"Don't worry, Sweetheart. If my mother is half the caregiver you are, and I know from experience she is and then some, our kits will be in excellent paws for the foreseeable future."

Judy turned to Nick, smiling fondly at him. " _Ohhh_ …I love you." She leaned over and kissed him before turning her eyes back to the road.

Nick leaned back into his seat, smiling contentedly. He picked up his coffee cup and drank a few gulps, and then turned his head to the side, gazing out the window. A minute passed in silence, and then Judy heard something. A voice, coming from Nick, which she had never heard before:

" _ **The return of my partner has brought an uplift on my spirits I have not felt in some time, like a most refreshing dose of tonic. And as we go along on our regularly scheduled patrol through Savannah Central on this characteristically warm day, I cannot not help but feel a rush of déjà vu. It is like we never even left, or this part of our lives simply went on pause the minute we had offspring…"**_

"Uhhh, what's with the voice and narration?" Judy asked.

Nick shook his face like he was waking from a daydream, and turned back to face her. "Oh, that. You see, I got bored working by myself last week, so I started narrating to spice things up. Cool, huh?"

Judy raised an eyebrow. "Like that guy from _Shrew Detective_?"

"Yeah, like Rust Vohle. And a bit of Roarschach from Watchmammals too."

"Why them? I thought playing Sherlock Hounds was your thing."

"Yeah, that's what inspired it. But when you think about it, Hounds really didn't narrate at all – that was always Hoppson's thing."

"I'm not going to start narrating for you, if that's where you're going with this."

"Yeah, I thought you'd say that, so I decided to just take my cue from other detectives instead."

"But those guys you mentioned are so downbeat, always going on about hopelessness and nihilism and the whole dark side of mammality."

"Yeah, that got depressing after a while, so I watered it down a bit. Now I'm going for more of the classic style, like _The Moletese Falcon_ and _The Pig Sleep_."

Judy was nonplussed. "So basically, you're just going to rehash every fictional detective you can think of and use it to narrate our police work?"

"Pretty much," Nick nodded.

"Even mundane things like a simple patrol?"

"Sure. You gotta admit, it makes things more interesting. I mean c'mon, half of our job is boring. Patrol, paperwork, parking duty, all of them dull as dishwater. Narrating makes it more fun, and I do a better job. Everybody wins."

"Maybe…" said Judy with an air of uncertainty.

Just then, their police radio crackled to life. "Dispatch to Car 34, Team WildeHopps, do you come in, over?" came the familiar voice of Clawhauser.

"Oooh!" Judy squealed excitedly before activating the radio. "Dispatch, come in, over!"

"We have a signal 12 – street racer on Berry Lane! Over!"

"10-4, over and out!" stated Judy. She switched off the radio and gave a whoop.

"A street racer, Nick! Just like our first day together!"

"As poetic as the swivel of a bunny's hips!" said Nick, sliding on his shades. "Pedal to the metal, Hoppson! We haven't a moment to lose!"

"Don't call me Hoppson!" Judy barked as she stepped on the gas.


	5. Private Eye Monologues III

**Edited by: DrummerMax64**

* * *

 **Over the next two days…**

" _ **The morality of speeding to catch a speeder eludes me. If we are allowed to break this law in the name of catching law-breakers, what other laws might be non-applicable to us in our pursuit of justice? Is there a true limit if no one calls us out on it? We may be the watchmammals, but who watches-"**_

" _I'm trying to drive here, Nick!"_

* * *

" _ **Our tipoff of the Street Howler deal was as spurious as a jackalope. We were informed there might be an exchange going on in this apartment, but the bags turned out to contain naught but catnip. Legal in such small quantity, and with a name that remains startlingly contradictory since the substance now affects all mammals besides cats. We left the hares at the scene to their nip and their Playbunny magazines, my repressed male side tempting me to sneak a peek on the way out-"**_

"NICK!"

" _ **Which my faithful husband side implored me to ignore and handily won out in the end."**_

"Nice try, I saw you."

"Carrots, it's been so _long_ …"

* * *

" _ **I felt my normally razor-sharp focus begin to wane from the repetitive pondering involved in this case. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find."**_

" _Ohhh_ no, you've had enough coffee today!"

* * *

" _ **As I undergo this torturous ritual, I find myself contemplating the scientific possibility of death by boredom, as well as the ramifications for the insurance on my life should I die by such an end. Sometimes I wonder if we in the force are all actually part of a conspiratorial scientific experiment to test this theory, with our superior officer himself aiding and abetting-"**_

"For Pete's sake, Nick, it's just end of day paperwork!"

* * *

 **On the third day…**

" _ **Tundratown. Zootopia's central hub of crime. Beneath that winter wonderland exterior lies a history that would chill your soul as it would your bones. Within those frosty walls dwells the city's greatest criminal underworld. The Bigs, the Frostbites, the Five Tails, each one a hydra of crime, ever-growing and eternal. Cut off one head, you're as good as guaranteed two more will grow in its place. Only the strongest survive here, the most insulated from the world and its cold evils. It is positively Darwinian in its design, a place where the weak are rooted out and you must adapt-"**_

"Shut it, Nick!"

The pair had been called in to help stop a robbery at the Grande Zootopia Museum in Downtown Zootopia, a vast, grey neoclassical-style building reminiscent of an ancient Greek temple. It was near the very center of the city on Lionheart Avenue, close to the inlet that bordered Downtown and Tundratown, the two districts accessible to each other via bridge or skytrain. Nick was standing atop the hill of stone steps that led up to the museum, gazing out at the full panoramic view of the city's frostiest district that his position offered him.

"… _ **Or die,"**_ Nick finished. Judy rolled her eyes.

Unlike the Natural History Museum where Nick and Judy had apprehended Bellwether years before, the Grande Museum dealt specifically with Zootopia and its long history, including an extensive collection of antiquities from the city's early days. According to their information, two robbers, a skunk and a red fox, had held up the museum, taken an exhibit, and made it out an exit into a getaway car. Nick and Judy had arrived just after all this had gone down, and were currently guarding the scene while awaiting further instruction. Just then, a voice crackled to life on the rabbit's belt.

" _Unit 34, come in Unit 34. Team WildeHopps, do you read? Over."_

Judy grabbed her radio and held it up to her mouth, "Team Wi _–_ I mean, Unit 34 responding. What's your situation?"

" _We've apprehended the suspects and their driver, but the stolen artifact isn't on them, and it isn't in their car. And that's not all."_

"What's the rest?" Judy asked with a raised eyebrow.

" _You remember how the witnesses stated it was a skunk and a red fox who perpetrated the robbery?"_

"Yeah…?"

" _Well, now they're a honey badger and a jackal."_

Judy and Nick's eyes both widened in bewilderment. "Umm… are you sure they said skunk and fox?" the rabbit asked.

" _Positive. The perps were both wearing ski masks that covered their whole heads, ears included, but their species were positively identified by their tails."_

"And you're sure you have the right car?"

" _Affirmative. The details match our information, and the suspects were wearing the same clothes that were described. And when we tried to ask them more questions, they gave us the paw and told us to talk to their lawyer. Guess who it is – Saul Goodmammal."_

"That wily coyote? Great."

Saul Goodmammal was the sleaziest criminal lawyer in all of Zootopia, with a renowned talent for discrediting evidence and smearing witnesses. If he was truly the robbers' lawyer, he could have them out in one hour and be suing for false arrest in the next.

" _We can detain them until their lawyer arrives, but we need your help. We think they may have hidden the artifact somewhere near the scene, maybe waiting for a third party to pick it up. Keep an eye out for any suspicious characters."_

"Copy that, we'll start searching."

Judy lowered her radio, completely baffled. It _sounded_ like they had caught the robbers, but animals couldn't just change their species when they pleased.

Nick, however, was enthused. "Wow, our first real case since we got back, and it's a verifiable brainteaser! _**Hoppson, the game is-"**_

"If you finish that sentence, my children will grow up without a father," Judy warned. Nick clammed right up. Judy gestured to the line of cars parked in front of the museum steps below. "Look, you go down and start checking under nearby cars, I'll search the perimeter up here." Nick gave her a mock salute, and the two separated.

Nick skipped down the steps, kneeled down to search under a black Humbler in front of him, and that was when he saw it: down the block, twenty-odd yards away, was a raccoon scrounging through a trash bin. He wore torn old jeans and a filthy navy hoodie with the hood over his head and had a large bag of cans sitting next to him; a stereotypical trash panda (politically-incorrect, as the term was). His detective-senses tingling, Nick got out his phone and used the camera to zoom in on the scavenger. He could make out the raccoon's face, with grizzled fur and an expression to match, and couldn't help but notice that his face looked strangely familiar. He began to inch closer.

Nick watched the raccoon straighten up from the bin and pull out what looked like a very full black shopping bag. He tucked it inside his bag of cans, threw that over his shoulder and started to walk away, nobody on the sidewalk giving him a second glance.

It was when the raccoon stepped away from the bin and Nick could see his whole torso that he saw it: the Procyon was distinctly pear-shaped, as if he was hiding something bulky underneath his hoodie. He looked slightly unsteady on his feet as he walked. And his tail, instead of swishing back and forth like a raccoon's normally would, remained perfectly limp against the ground as if it were being dragged.

All the pieces clicked together in Nick's mind with remarkable clarity. _"That's no raccoon…"_ the fox growled under his breath. He started to stalk the suspect, discreetly pulling out his phone and sending Judy a very quick text message. Within seconds he could see the bunny rushing down the museum steps to join him out of the corner of his eye, not letting the still-distant 'raccoon' out of his sight.

"What is it?" Judy hissed.

Nick, now speedwalking, pointed a finger towards his target. " _Him_ ," he whispered, "that's our guy."

"The one in the blue hoodie carrying the bag?" Judy asked. Nick nodded in confirmation.

"Got it, _"_ Judy pulled out her tranquilizer gun, and then, to Nick's shock, suddenly broke into a run. "ZPD, _FREEZE!"_

The phony raccoon turned around, jumped with an unexpected panic, and took off like a rocket.

Nick mentally facepalmed himself. _"Impulsive bunnies…"_ he muttered under his breath as he rushed to catch up with Judy. Up ahead, he saw the raccoon reach into his bag of cans, pull out the black loot bag, and toss the rest away.

"Let's flag down a car! We can catch him!" Judy yelled as she ran.

"Car's no good!" Nick yelled back. "We can't let him out of our sight for even a second! The moment he loses us he'll ditch his disguise and we'll never find him!"

" _Disguise…?_ " Judy asked desperately.

"Yeah! That's not a raccoon!" Nick stated.

The two chased the phony raccoon down the street for almost a minute, struggling not to let him out of their sight, pedestrians gawking at them from all angles. A few even tried to intervene, but their quarry was very agile, and managed to evade every attempt they made at blocking him. Then finally, Nick and Judy saw him aim for a set of stairs on the sidewalk.

"He's going into the subway station!" Nick yelled. He turned to Judy. "Hoppson, our quarry has absconded!"

"No sheep, Sherlock!" snarled Judy. The pair reached the subway entrance, flew down the stairs, hopped over the turnstiles and got to the platform just in time to see their target run onto the nearest train. Catching a quick glance at the information screen, Judy knew instantly where he was going: Tundratown. Panicking, the two ran for it, getting inside just in time before the doors closed.

Huffing and wheezing, Nick and Judy found they were in the very last car of the train. Since the morning commute period was now over, there were very few passengers onboard, which made it a lot easier to spot their target. The raccoon was still running like the wind down through the train cars, trying to put as much distance between himself and the pair as possible. Both groaning, Nick and Judy took off after him.

Judy could see out the windows through the corner of her eye: they were out of the subway tunnel, they were crossing the inlet on tracks above the water, they were coming into Tundratown, they were sinking into a new tunnel… why did the darn train have to be so fast!?

They had nearly closed in on the raccoon at the front of the train just as the train was pulling in at its first stop. They were within twenty feet of him, and could see him grunting in a panic while struggling to pry open the door with his fingers.

" _End of the line_ ," Judy stated triumphantly, now calmly strolling towards their target instead of running. Behind her, Nick was leaning against a seat, clutching at a stitch in his chest. Judy reached out a paw for the raccoon, they almost had him…

And then there was a digital ding, and the doors slid open. The raccoon took off like a madmammal, his bushy ringed tail flying through the air behind him…

"Oh no you DON'T!" Judy snapped, grabbing for the furry appendage. She caught it in her paws…

 _Shrrrip!_

" _Waaah!"_ Judy cried out in surprise as the detachable tail ripped loose and her own momentum carried her forward, making her fall to the platform outside with a thump, the fake tail cushioning her body as she landed. She took only one second to groan and let it sink in. She couldn't believe it. She had fallen for a fake tail _again_ … Raising her head up, she caught sight of their quarry again, still running down the platform for the stairs. Whoever he was, she had to admire his stamina.

"I did say he wasn't a real raccoon…" Nick mumbled as he helped Judy up, a suppressed grin tugging at his lips.

"Yeah, yeah," said the bunny. Nick tucked the fake tail inside his jacket and the pair ran for the stairs. They clambered up two flights, Judy's ears still picking up the footsteps of their target, a wave of cold starting to hit both of them. They followed him down a dimly-lit hallway, turned a corner…

And burst out into the dazzling white light of Tundratown.

No matter how long Judy lived in Zootopia, she could never get used to the environmental transition between districts. Every time, no matter what the situation, it never failed to astonish her what a marvel of engineering the city of Zootopia was, to enter a train from a toasty warm climate and exit into a wintery frost. Their quarry had picked an excellent place to try and get lost… between the cold dampening Nick's nose and the snow muffling footsteps so Judy's ears couldn't pick them up, they would have a much harder time tracking him in this.

Amidst the snow-covered trees and civilians and sparkling buildings, Judy spotted their target, who was still running like his life depended on it. The snow was slowing him down, but she knew it would slow her and Nick down too. Judy whipped out her radio as the pair took off after him, bounding through the deep, heavy snow.

"This is Officer Hopps to dispatch! We're in pursuit of a suspect in the Grande Museum robbery, heading through Tundratown! Subject is a male raccoon with no tail, wearing jeans and a navy hoodie! Requesting backup!"

" _Uh – copy, Officer Hopps, what's your location?"_

"It's-" then Judy suddenly realized she had no idea where they were, and all street signs she could see were covered by snow.

" _Fertilizer!"_ she swore under her breath. "Just send an officer to the Tundra-Downtown train station! He can pick up our trail from there!"

" _Copy that! Over and out!"_

Up ahead of them, Judy saw the tailless raccoon leap onto a nearby ice pond, skid over to the other side, and jump off for the 'float-way' river mammals in the district used to get around. He jumped on one of the floating ice chunks in the water and started hopping from one to the next, the flow of the river drastically increasing his speed.

" _Fertilizer!_ " Judy swore again. Then she looked around as fast as she could, and spotted a lynx riding a snowmobile in their direction.

"Halt!" Judy yelled, waving her arms and whipping out her badge at the driver. The snow machine skidded and screeched to a halt in front of her. "ZPD! We need to use your snowmobile!"

"Uhhh… okay?" the lynx stammered as he got off his vehicle and Nick and Judy got on.

"Don't worry, you'll get it back!" Nick yelled at the cat as he and Judy zoomed away, clobbering a nearby snowmammal in their haste.

Despite the little hit-and-run, Nick had to admit Judy was driving the thing pretty well, considering she had not driven a snowmobile since her academy days. In no time at all, they were riding along the edge of the float-way, their target getting closer and closer.

Realizing the raccoon would notice them and change course any second, Nick got an idea. He leaned down and scooped some snow from the ground. Packing it into a tight snowball with his russet paws, he eyed his still ice-jumping target and the closing distance between them, his mouth beginning to narrate slightly:

" _ **Now the angle of trajectory, multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle…"**_

He weighed the snowball up and down in his paw. _**"Factoring in arm speed and snowball mass, estimate point two-five kilograms…"**_ In front of him, Judy's ears gave a very distinct twitch.

He licked his finger and held it up in the air. _**"Adjusting for wind direction and resistance and change in equilibrium…"**_

" _NIIICK!"_ Judy shouted.

Nick threw the snowball with all his might just as the raccoon turned his head at the sound of Judy's voice. It struck directly on the Procyon's face, making him lose his footing and slip off his ice chunk, landing ankle-deep in the river.

" _Wa-ha-ow!_ Cold, cold, _cold!_ " the raccoon yelped as he jumped out of the water and onto the bank. Judy's ears perked up; she knew that nasally voice…

Pulling over the snowmobile, Judy and Nick hopped over the float-way and saw their quarry heading for the nearest building: _Pike Place Flying Fish Market._ " _ZPD, HALT!_ " Judy called out as the raccoon scrambled through the sliding glass doors of the market. Nick and Judy were there in seconds, and just as they burst through the doors, Judy's ears began to pick up the sound of a police siren nearby.

"Carrots, _DUCK!"_ Nick yelled.

"Wha-WOAH!" Judy dodged just in time as a large haddock zoomed over her head, missing it by inches. "Sorry!" the otter who threw it hollered.

"This is an 'open-air' fish market!" Nick explained as they ran through the store, an airborne salmon just missing his own head. "They like to toss the fish to each other!"

Judy scanned the scene as quick as she could, and spotted the raccoon just up ahead, ducking and dodging around customers and fish-stands, aiming for the exit on the other side of the room. He was finally slowing down now, gasping for air from all the running, but if he got through the door and barricaded it behind himself…

Then Judy got an idea: leaping up, she caught a flying carp in mid-air. And when she landed, she steeled herself, and threw the fish hard as she could at the raccoon's feet; it landed right on target under his right foot. With a whooping cry, the raccoon slipped on the thing like a bar of soap, skidded spectacularly across the floor, and crash-landed into a wooden barrel marked PICKLED HERRING, the contents spilling all over him.

Nick and Judy ran up to the finally-immobilized fake raccoon, who was panting to the point that he was rasping. Only his head was visible, the rest of his body submerged under a smelly mess of fish and brine. Beside him, his loot bag had opened up, and the stolen artifact had fallen out atop the fish pile. It was a heavy amulet, carved out of snowy-white stone and depicting a prehistoric tigress walking on all fours. The White Jade Tiger, one of Tundratown's greatest treasures and a coveted jewel for any collector in Zootopia.

Up close, Judy finally got a good look at the 'raccoon' they had been chasing. His hood had come down, and she could now see some kind of flap at the base of his neck, and that his 'eyes' were actually eyeholes. No question – this was a Halloween mask, bearing the likeness of the iconic sci-fi character Rocket Raccoon.

Right then, Judy heard the sound of a siren being turned off outside, along with the sound of a door slamming and paws trudging through snow. The rabbit mentally rolled her eyes. _Perfect timing as usual_ ,she thought. A snowy-white wolf officer whom Nick and Judy knew as Officer Kiba entered the fray.

"Sorry I took so long, you left one mess of a trail between here and the train station," said the wolf, gazing confusedly around the scene. "And speaking of messes, what happened here?"

"Only the foiling of the greatest museum heist in Zootopia history!" declared Nick triumphantly. "Of course you missed all the action, but hey, you're just in time for the unmasking! Carrots, would you do the honors?"

"Ohhh, I think you've earned that right," said Judy insistently.

"Gee, thanks!" said Nick, who looked almost childish with excitement. _"Always wanted to do this…"_ He stepped forward and grasped the mask by the ears. "Drumroll please!"

Several people around the scene started clapping their knees in a drumroll.

" _ **And our mystery hooded bandit is…**_ " Nick pulled off the mask, revealing the face of a bedraggled weasel with maroon eyes, bent whiskers and a previously-broken snout.

"Well, well, well…" Nick drawled out with relish. "The Duke of Weaselton. Long time so see."

" _Ugggghhh…"_ the weasel let out a heavy groan as if he was waking from a coma. "What gave me away?" Duke Weaselton asked in his familiar nasally voice.

"Well, the Rocket Raccoon mask for one thing," said Nick. "Seriously, if you're trying to be all discreet, don't go wearing the face of the most famous raccoon in all of Zootopia. That was your first big whoopsie."

Then he pulled out the fake raccoon tail from inside his jacket. "And the detachable tail, nice touch. But whoopsie number twosie, wearing one of these has two _very_ distinct giveaways: one is a protuberant belly from having your real tail wrapped around your midsection, and the other is a strange gait caused by your inability to use your real tail for balance when walking. I, er, speak from some experience here."

Judy rolled her eyes at the memory of that little fiasco.

Nick picked up the bag that had held the Tiger and reached into it. He pulled out a skunk tail and a fox tail, each with a piece of velcro attached to the end. "And these would explain how your badger and jackal partners were able to conveniently turn into a skunk and a fox for the robbery. Their faces were covered, so all the witnesses could see were their easily identifiable tails. And once they ditched the evidence for you to find, they were home free. Remind me to have a word with the manager at Zoonko's about who he sells his products to."

Then Nick leaned in closer, staring directly into the weasel's eyes. "But there IS more: the science of deduction tells me that this was not _your_ plan..."

Nick began to pace around the scene, his paws gesturing theatrically and his gaze alternating between the trapped weasel and the crowd gawking at him.

"The three of you could never have pulled this heist off on your own," Nick stated. "I do not know if you had the brains to plan it out, but I _do_ know that working with a team does not fit your _motus operandi_. You had a backer – a sponsor – someone who offered enough money to ensure none of you three, you especially, would double-cross the others for the loot. Now, your attempted escape into Tundratown, plus the fact you stole a Tundratown artifact, makes the residential district of your sponsor obvious. There are five kingpins in Tundratown who are wealthy and connected enough to set this up. Two of them are currently serving time in prison, leaving three: Mr. Big…"

Duke gulped at the memory of his last encounter with the diminutive crime boss.

"…Francesco 'Frank' Clawstello, snow leopard and leader of the Frostbite organization, and Boris Kasper, polar bear and 'businessmammal'. Now, last I heard, you and Mr. Big have a… let's say, _frosty_ relationship, so I think we can rule him out. And while Frank Clawstello _is_ known for his proclivity for tigresses, his biggest vices are gambling and sporting events, especially for horse races and kangaroo boxing matches. He's a thrill-seeker, he has no love for antiquities. But Mr. Kasper, on the other hand, _is_ a known antiques enthusiast, with a front as a legitimate dealer and a connection to every known fence in the city. _And_ he's been represented by Saul Goodmammal before, _and_ he has a renowned but dubious collection of relics of which I'm sure he would love to add the White Jade Tiger to…"

He leaned in again to Weaselton's face, smiling in smug triumph. "…I think we have our winner."

Weaselton broke down in exasperation. "C'mon Wilde, this was gonna my big score! I swear, I was gonna go straight after this! You never woulda heard from me again! C'mon, can't you just cut me this one little break?!"

Nick and Judy didn't know which was sadder: the possibility Weaselton was telling the truth, or the likelihood he was lying. "Forget it, Duke," Nick quipped as he whipped out his pawcuffs. "It's Tundratown."

He extracted Weaselton's paws from the pile of herrings and slapped the cuffs on him. "But hey, technically all we've got you for is evading police and possession of stolen goods. With a little talking, I'm sure you'll get a light sentence." Judy passed the amulet over to Officer Kiba, and together she and Nick heaved the weasel out of the fish pile, the rabbit recoiling at the fishy odour.

"Whoof, heavy thing," said Kiba as he examined the amulet. "What is it, anyway?"

Judy's eyes bulged, and she shook her head at Nick as fast as she could as a Cheshire cat grin began spreading across her husband's face. "NO. No, please, _please_ NO…" she mouthed.

"The, uh… stuff that dreams are made of," Nick stated. Judy clapped a paw to her face.

Then, as if trying to deliberately further her mortification, Nick turned to face the awestruck audience before him, and launched into a full dramatic soliloquy:

" _ **And so closes the case of the White Jade Tiger, the greatest MacGuffin of the modern age! Thanks to the combined strengths of my sharp detective mind and my leporine consort's excellent throwing arm, the half-baked Alaska of a robbery has been foiled, and the curator of the museum can sleep soundly knowing that one of his greatest exhibits has been safely recovered! Of course, there is some small irony in the fact that it will be locked up in evidence for likely years before he can ever have it back, BUT, that is insignificant in the pursuit of justice and the safety of our fair city…"**_

"Hey Flopsy…" Duke whispered to Judy out of the corner of his mouth.

" _Yeah?"_ Judy asked wearily.

"Why is he talking in that funny voice?"

* * *

 **A/N: "The Five Tails" belong to sarcasmisOurStrength (or Nehkles or WhatABummer, it's from a story they all wrote together), and the White Jade Tiger comes from a book by Julie Lawson. Also, the look of the Grande Zootopia Museum was based off the National Archives building in DC, and the fish market at the end of the chase is based on the famous Pike Place market in Seattle. Other miscellaneous references include Watchmen, Breaking Bad, Looney Toons, Wolf's Rain, and the movies Guardians of the Galaxy, the Departed, Chinatown and the Maltese Falcon. See if you can find them all!**


	6. Private Eye Monologues IV

**Edited by: DrummerMax64**

* * *

That evening was a quiet affair. Between Nick and Judy, that is. Ridley and Ella, however, had made no change whatsoever in their sleeping habits and volume output since Nick and Judy had returned to work, so the evening after the two got home passed by in its usual whirlwind of diapers, feedings, and ringing ears. However, Judy spoke no words to Nick unless they were related to the kids, and while she put on a polite exterior, a stiff upper lip and a dark pink tinge in her ears told Nick she had still not gotten over her embarrassment at his little monologue performance at the fish market. And in the car while they were escorting Duke to the precinct. _Annnd_ to everyone who happened to be in the lobby of the precinct when they arrived. Needless to say, everyone had gotten quite a show, especially the little weasel. Nick didn't say it often, but he might have gone a teensy bit too far. And tonight, he vowed, he was going to make it up to Judy.

* * *

That night, Judy awoke with a start. But for once, it was not from the sound of babies crying, but from the lack of it. She was so used to getting up in the middle of the night now she had awoken out of habit, but hadn't heard a thing. Not even a whimper. Judy gazed at the clock: 6:07 AM. She bolted upright. It wasn't night, it was morning! It was almost time to get up for work! And then, once she started shaking the cobwebs out of her brain, Judy realized two things: 1) Nick was not in bed with her, and 2) not only could she not hear the babies cry, she could not hear anything at all, not even the usual background noise. Clapping her paws to her head, she found the reason why: someone had slipped on her noise-cancelling headphones over her ears while she slept.

Yanking off the headpiece she listened out, but still could hear no baby cries, only low mumbling and creaking noises somewhere else in the apartment. Curiosity piqued, Judy went to the door, opened it quietly, and tiptoed down the hallway towards the living room. Peeping around the corner, she saw the scene: there was Nick, sitting in their rocking chair, gazing out the window and holding both Ridley and Ella in his lap, the gentle creaks and back-and-forth movements providing a soothing atmosphere for the little kits. Both babies were cozily swaddled in blankets, and both were staring wide-eyed and attentively at their father, who seemed to be telling them a story:

" _ **And then Mommy told me to go, to leave her, when she herself faced all but certain doom at the paws of both the savage jaguar and the heights from which she dangled, clinging desperately to that slippery rain-soaked platform. And even in the heat of the moment I realized, that was the noblest thing I had ever seen. I hesitated, I had no idea what to do. Then the decision was made for me as the gondola left, and it was all I could do to keep myself from fainting as I looked into those feral, slit-pupiled eyes…"**_

With a start, Judy realized Nick was telling the story of how the two of them had solved the night howler case years before. Sure, Ridley and Ella were far too young to understand what he was saying, but somehow his presentation, or at least the detective voice he was using, seemed to have an entrancing effect on the two infants.

" _ **And the jaguar pounced, and just when I thought I was about to pay my dues to the holy Maid Marian, the jaguar froze, and recoiled. Somehow, in a split-second, Mommy had managed to regain her footing and snare the jaguar with a large pawcuff to his hindpaw,"**_

Nick chuckled. _ **"To this day, it remains an unsolved mystery as to where she was keeping those cuffs, for none of the tiny pockets on her belt could possibly have held them..."**_

Judy chuckled a little too. That… was a trade secret she had never revealed to anyone. Nick leaned in closer to Ridley and Ella's faces, speaking them in almost a whisper:

" _ **That, I believe, was the moment when I truly began to understand just how extraordinary your mother was. That, I think, was the moment when our path to love, marriage and you, the babies in the baby carriage, truly began."**_

Judy had to cover her mouth to stop herself from 'awww'ing out loud. But then she realized: _had he been up with the babies all night? The poor fox must be exhausted!_ Just then, she noticed something else: the apartment looked spotless. Gazing around, she could see there were no toys on the floor, there were no dirty dishes in the sink, and the pile of laundry she had meant to do last night sat neatly folded in the basket.

"Okay," she then heard Nick whisper. "Let's get you back to the crib, see if you little rugrats feel like catching a little snooze before breakfast." The fox stood up and gave a tired yawn. "I'll tell you the rest of the story tomorrow."

Not sure what to do, Judy quickly crept back down the hallway, slipped back into the master bedroom, and softly shut the door behind her just before Nick entered the hallway. Through the door, she could hear Ella start to give a little fuss as Nick walked by. _"Shhh,"_ the fox whispered. "We don't want to wake Mommy, she needs a few more minutes."

Judy felt a huge rush of affection for Nick well up inside her. Deciding to follow his wishes, she hopped back into bed and sat up, eagerly anticipating his return. Because when he did, _oooh boy_ did she have plans for rewarding him. But, ten minutes later, Nick had still not returned, and Judy had gone back to sleep until the alarm clock went off at 7.

* * *

After being reawakened by the alarm clock and seeing there was no Nick in bed with her, Judy went and checked the kitchen first, but the fox was not there. After turning on the coffee maker, she checked the living room and the bathroom and then finally the nursery, where she found Nick sprawled face-down on the carpet in front of the crib, both babies inside sleeping peacefully.

"Nick? Nick!" Judy hurried over and concernedly checked his vitals, breathing a sigh of relief when they appeared normal; Nick had just fallen asleep. Wishing she could just leave him where he was, Judy began delivering little slaps to his face to wake him up. "Come on, wake up, we gotta get ready for work…"

Nick gave a little stir and his eyes fluttered open a little bit, but what came out of his mouth, however, strongly suggested he was not awake yet:

" _ **No no, the killer could not have been the ocelot. Judging by the position of the body and the angle of the harpoon, I would deduce the killer to be roughly rabbit-sizzzed…"**_

And then the fox's head nodded back, and Nick was asleep again. Guessing he was dreaming about being Sherlock Hounds again, Judy ran back to the kitchen, where the coffee maker was beginning to fill the coffee pot. Slipping a mug under the coffee stream, Judy filled it up and dashed with it back to the nursery.

"Nick? Come on sleepy fox, smell the nice coffee…" Judy murmured as she held the mug in front of Nick's nose and fanned with her paw to make him smell the coffee vapor. Nick's ears gave a twitch and then his nose gave a few little sniffs, and then a grin began to spread across the fox's face even though his eyes still weren't open.

" _Coooffeee_ …" Nick groaned as his left paw came to life and began to feel around blindly for the cup of miracle elixir. Judy handed it to him, and Nick immediately put it to his mouth and drank the entire contents in two gulps, wincing as the hot liquid burned his throat. Nick smacked his lips, a few seconds passed, and the fox's eyes finally opened for real.

"Uggh… Morning, Carrots."

"Good morning, Nick," Judy whispered, giving him a little kiss. "I saw what you did, cleaning the apartment and staying up with the kids and giving me a good night's sleep…" She threw her arms around his neck. "Thank you, thank you, _thank_ you!"

Nick smiled as he put his free arm around his wife and hugged her back, his other arm still firmly pinned under his body where he had fallen asleep on it. "Aww… T'was nothing, really. It was nice to get some one-on-one time with the kits like that."

"I understand, but what about the rest of today?" Judy asked. "You've been up all night! Are you sure you can handle a full day of work now?"

"Don't sweat it, I used to pull all-nighters like that all the time back in my hustling days," Nick stated. And then he began to peel his limp body off the carpet, hoisted up his torso with his arms, and collapsed again. "Of course, that was about ten years ago…"

Judy chuckled as she helped the bedraggled fox get to his feet. "Okay, but if at any point today you feel like you can't work anymore, you tell me, understand?"

The fox nodded.

"Good! Why don't you go freshen up while I make you a nice breakfast, hm? Cheese and bug omelette, your favorite."

"Sounds gooood…" Nick slurred as he trudged off to the bathroom dragging his feet.

* * *

Nick was fine through the rest of breakfast, and through getting dressed and greeting his mother when she showed up for kitsitting duty, but on their way to the precinct he nodded off again in the car. Judy didn't trouble him, but instead drove on in silence until they reached Precinct One. But the Nick that greeted her when she had parked and shook him awake, however, was something she had not seen coming:

" _ **I felt fatigue gnaw at my soul like spiritual piranhas, but my resolution to be active in my goal to serve and protect the city remains unyielding. As I once vowed to myself, this city never sleeps, so I in turn must never sleep, and I shall not."**_

And then he got out of the car, and started strutting towards the precinct with a strange new energy.

"Nick, wait!" Judy yelled as she undid her seatbelt and ran up to him. "What are you doing? Why are you narrating now? We're not on duty yet!"

But Nick ignored her as he climbed the steps and burst through the revolving door into the lobby. A panicked look came over Judy's face as she spotted Clawhauser waving to them from his desk, a doughnut halfway up to his mouth. "Hi guys!" he called out. "How are the-"

" _MorningClawhausernotimetochat, busy_!" Judy garbled as she pushed Nick past the reception desk before he could start talking to Clawhauser in detective-mode. However, this did not stop the confused cheetah from overhearing as they made their way down the hall to the bullpen:

" _ **As we gave our usual greeting to our favorite chubby Jubatus, I could deduce by the crumbs on his chin and chest that he has already had two chocolate, one maple and three jelly doughnuts since the beginning of his shift this morning, thereby increasing his future risk of diabetes by approximately twelve percent…"**_

" _Stoppit, Nick!"_ Judy pleaded.

A mystified look came over Clawhauser's face as he slowly counted the doughnuts left in his box and realized Nick was right.

* * *

" _ **McHorn's blood pressure problems seem as strong as ever, in fact, going by the irate expression on his face it must be getting worse. A less stressful profession would be worthy of consideration, but then I am a detective, not his cardiologist."**_

Nick sniffed the air around Officers Wolford and Fangmeyer as he walked by them,

" _ **And by their shared musk mask, I can deduce Wolford and Fangmeyer spent last night together – Fangmeyer appears satisfied, but going by the cushion on his chair Wolford continues to be insecure about their difference in their sizes."**_

Nick's narration continued all the way into the bullpen and up to his and Judy's seat, along with bemused expressions from everybody listening. Next to him, trying not to make the scene worse than it already was, Judy simply followed silently, red-faced and tight-lipped. Up at the podium, much to her dismay, Chief Bogo was already there, ready to hand out the day's assignments. "Wilde, Hopps, what is going on here?" the Cape buffalo asked.

Nick ignored him as he clambered up onto his seat, a tomato-faced Judy following him. _**"And speaking of chairs,"**_ Nick continued, _ **"it continues to disappoint me to find myself and my leporine consort still sharing one chair between us after half a decade on the force. As much as I enjoy the closeness, this stirring lack of accommodation suggests shortcomings in the progressiveness of the police department, if not the Mammal Inclusion Initiative."**_

" _Nick, QUIET…"_ Judy hissed out of the side of her mouth.

"Wilde, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Bogo growled.

Nick cocked his head at the chief, his face smirking but his eyes dreamy and unfocused, _**"No need to get your horns in a knot, Inspector Bovidae-Posterior."**_

Every officer in the room gasped.

" _Nick, cut it OUT!_ " Judy screamed and shoved Nick off the chair, sending the fox sprawling to the floor with a thud. There was another gasp, and a sudden hush fell over the room.

"PARKING DUTY! BOTH OF YOU!" Bogo roared.

Judy jumped at the anger in the Cape buffalo's voice. "But sir _…"_ she started. Bogo snorted loudly to silence her.

"You two will come back at noon to receive your assignment, but by then I expect three hundred tickets between you. Dismissed!" he yelled.

Sighing, head bent low and her ears hanging low with embarrassment, Judy helped Nick off the floor and out of the room, every set of eyes in the room following them.


	7. Private Eye Monologues V (Finale)

**Edited by: DrummerMax64**

* * *

"What are you trying to do, Nick? Are you trying to make us lose our jobs? It's bad enough when you do that stupid narration on patrol, but in the _bullpen?_ In front of everybody? It's a miracle we didn't get laughed out of the precinct! I can take a joke, but not when it might cost us our careers!"

No answer.

" _Are you even listening to me?!"_

Livid at her humiliation in the station, Judy continued to yell at Nick all the way to the metermobile and through the streets of Savannah Central. The fox, however, did not even seem to realize they were being punished, or that he had just embarrassed her for the umpteenth time in twenty-four hours. He simply sat there, staring into open space, the puffy bags under his eyes somehow looking more prominent than ever. And then Judy saw his eyes flicker towards a deer couple on the sidewalk, holding hooves and pushing a baby carriage, and that familiar hard-boiled drone began to stream from his mouth once more:

" _ **As I sat and watched the world go by, the sight of a young and innocent family going about on their morning walk caught my eye, and I felt my heart melt like ice cream on a Sahara Square sidewalk as the image of my own young family entered my mind. Despite the pain of being away from my babies, it brings me courage to know my work is a necessary sacrifice for the sake of their futures…"**_

Lost for words, Judy pulled over, but before she could ask him what that was about the fox got out. Without a word to her, Nick started down the street to begin their usual patrol for parking violations, his feet and tail dragging but his eyes looking determined:

" _ **I felt my brain start to numb like frostbite as I began my tour of parking duty through the streets of Savannah Central. Watching the world go by, studying every face I see, knowing a potential ticket violator lies behind every one of those eyes…"**_ And he disappeared around the corner.

As she watched Nick vanish, Judy felt a surge of realization hit her. Here she was, yelling at him for embarrassing her, when all he was doing was crying for help. She could see it now: those monologues were not some half-baked attempt to spice up work or drive her crazy, but of her mate's struggles to cope with the pressures of balancing work and being a new father. She had no idea why she hadn't seen it before. Feeling a huge wave of remorse, Judy dashed after him; she was not going to let him out of her sight now, and the moment the clock struck noon she was going to sit down and have a long chat with Bogo, three hundred tickets or no.

* * *

At 12:01, during the drive back to Precinct One in the jokemobile, Nick fell asleep again. But instead of awakening him once they had returned and parked the thing, Judy had literally picked him up and carried him across the lot into the building, attracting more than a few stares along the way. After laying him on a bench in the lobby and asking Clawhauser to keep an eye on him she went straight to Chief Bogo's office, knocking timidly on the imposing glass-paned door.

" _Come in,"_ came the chief's booming voice.

Judy entered, walked up to the desk and took her seat in front of the Cape buffalo. To her surprise, she saw there wasn't even a case folder on Bogo's desk, not that she would accept an assignment now anyway. She wasted no time cutting to the chase:

"Chief, I think Nick and me need to extend our leave."

The chief gave no reaction, but simply folded his hoofs on the desk and looked at her intently. "Oh? Do tell."

Judy wasn't sure where to begin. "Look, that thing that happened in the bullpen earlier…" the chief nodded with interest, "Nick's been… narrating our police work like that all week. It started off funny, just one of his jokes, and then I thought he was keeping it up just to annoy me. But now… now I think he's actually cracking up. He can't go on like this; I think he needs help."

Bogo sighed, and then opened a desk drawer and pulled his iPad. "This comes as no surprise to me, Officer Hopps. In fact, my only surprise is that you did not come to me about this sooner." He tapped at the iPad screen a few times and then presented it to Judy: it was a video showing the image of a Savannah Central neighborhood; Judy recognized this as dash camera footage.

"You understand, we only watch these when there is strange or suspicious activity going on," said the chief. "After hearing of his little scene in Pike Place Market yesterday, courtesy of Officer Kiba and Duke Weaselton, and his performances in the lobby yesterday and in the pen this morning, I took the liberty of looking at some of the dash camera footage from your vehicle the week Officer Wilde worked alone, and it qualifies as strange or suspicious. Take a look."

He pressed play. Judy couldn't see Nick, only the view of the streets he had, but she could hear his voice loud and clear, and it was not good:

" _ **By the swift urgency of which the purse-snatcher fled from me, I can only conclude he not only has a prior record, but also a heightened sense of self-preservation that can be traced back to childhood fear for one's future. This indicates lack of opportunity from the start, beginning a circle of crime and imprisonment. This cycle of desperation sickens me, both in its design and its haunting familiarity. He reminded me of what I could have become, had I never met my leporine consort, or had a less loving mother. My past treatment of both will remain a haunting spectre on my soul for the rest of my days…"**_

And with that, Bogo paused the video. Judy gripped one of her biceps anxiously. "Is there more?" she asked.

"Lots. I think your husband has been watching too much _Shrew Detective_ ," Bogo replied. He put the iPad down and folded his hooves on the desk, regarding Judy calmly.

"There is nothing wrong with him, Officer Hopps, he is merely suffering from intensive prolonged sleep deprivation. Far from the first case I've seen, having seen many officers become new parents over the years, but I must admit your husband's resultant behavior is… most unusual."

Judy chuckled weakly. "Most everything about my family is unusual, sir."

Bogo nodded in agreement, and reopened his desk drawer and pulled out two sheets of paper. "This," he stated, "is the assignment I was going to give you." He slid the papers towards her.

Judy gazed at the papers in awe: they were two forms for parental leave for her and Nick, their names and information already filled in.

"Eight more weeks of leave, non-negotiable," said Bogo. "And then I will call you, and you will give me a case for why you should return to work or stay on leave. I suggest your return be when your children have started sleeping through the night."

Judy nodded. "I guess we did come back a little too soon…"

The chief concurred. "Hopps, I admire your dedication to your job, I truly do, but your place now is at home with your children." He picked up the leave papers, and directly proffered them to Judy. "Take your mate, go home, and get some rest. Leave the paperwork with Clawhauser on your way out."

Judy nodded, took the papers, and hopped off the oversized chair for the door.

"And Hopps?"

Judy spun around. "Yes?"

The chief leaned back in his chair and regarded Judy with a warm expression she had almost never seen him use before. "Congratulations again on your new family."

Judy smiled, saluted, and left without another word.

* * *

Mrs. Wilde was surprised to see Nick and Judy when they returned home twenty minutes later, and once they had all sat down and Judy explained to her about Nick's exhaustion and the conclusion they had gone back to work too early (Judy decided to tell her about the strange monologues some other time), the vixen was almost indignant. But once Judy declared they were now on leave again, Ellaine's indignation turned to a sigh of relief.

"Well, I certainly hope you two have learned your lesson," she stated. "I love and respect your dedication to your police work, I always have, but sometimes you have to put your own needs first."

"Yeah, Chief Bogo told me the same thing," said Judy. "Don't worry, Ellaine, when we go back again, you can be sure we'll be rested and ready, and will also have our childcare options all sorted out beforehand."

"Hear hear," mumbled Nick, who had returned to his normal self but was now more exhausted than he had ever felt in his life, ready to just lie down on the couch they were sitting on and rest forever and ever.

Mrs. Wilde smiled. "I appreciate that, Judy, but I do want you to know: these past few weeks, helping to take care of my grandchildren, it's been wonderful, truly. Any time you want a sitter, I'm there for you, day or night."

The three of them then embraced, the group hug lasting for almost a full minute before Judy stood up.

"Thanks, Ellaine. You can go home now if you want, consider yourself relieved of duty. With all the help you've given us already, you deserve a good rest too."

"Sounds tempting…" said Mrs. Wilde, "but I've got a better idea!"

And then she strode out of the living room. A surprised Judy followed her and saw her go into their bedroom. She watched the vixen lug a suitcase out of the closet, toss it on the bed, and then stride over to the chest of drawers and pull out a pair of Judy's shirts and pants.

"You two, _you two_ – are going to stay at my place tonight! You can sleep in Nick's old room! I will stay here with the babies, you two are not allowed back until you've had at least sixteen hours sleep! _Each!"_

Mrs. Wilde finished packing a set of clothes for each of them and then strutted to the bathroom and started to fill up a toiletries kit. Judy followed her.

"Ellaine, please! We got this! You really don't need to!" Judy exclaimed.

Mrs. Wilde zipped up the toiletries bag and glared down at the rabbit. "I'm sorry Judy, but I am afraid I must insist. I mean, look at my son! He looks dead on his feet!"

Judy gazed sideways at Nick, who had finally caught up with them. His arms were hanging limp like a zombie at his sides and his head was drooping so low his nose was touching his chest. Judy surmised if his tail wasn't there to keep him upright, the fox would have fallen over by now.

* * *

Half an hour later, Nick and Judy were standing in the hallway of Mrs. Wilde's apartment and Nick's childhood home.

"All my teen years I dreamed about bringing a girl up to my room. Who knew it would be a bunny and I would be married first?" said Nick. Despite it being early afternoon, Nick clearly wasn't up for waiting until nightfall before going to bed.

"Okay, where does your mom keep the sheets?" Judy asked.

"Don't bother; I could sleep on a bed of nails right now," Nick stated as he started trudging down the hall towards his old room. Judy, however, remained where she stood, looking strangely thoughtful.

" _Err_ … are you sure you want to go to sleep right this minute, Nick?"

Nick turned to face her and let out a huge yawn that showed Judy every one of his sharp canines. "* _Yaaaawwwnnn*…_ Yep, and I think it will be for every minute from now until next week." And with that, Nick turned back down the hallway, opened a door, and disappeared through it. Judy's ears drooped a little.

"It's just, you know... we have this whole apartment to ourselves for at least a day, and it's just been so long since we, you know…" she spoke almost in a whisper, ' _multiplied_ '."

Suddenly Judy heard a ' _PSHOOM_ ' like a cartoon roadrunner, and the next thing she knew Nick was standing before her, ears erect, tail wagging and eyes looking far more awake than they were a few seconds before. "I'm sorry, do go on. What were you saying?" he asked.

Judy giggled. "I'm saying, we have this whole place to ourselves, and I still want to thank you for that good night's sleep you gave me last night, _and_ it has been over a month since the last time we 'multiplied'."

"Now that you mention it, it _has_ been a while," Nick replied eagerly. A goofy grin spread across his face as he felt himself get in the mood, before it changed to a look of concern. "But wait, what about, you know, down there-"

"I'm healed now, Nick, don't worry," said Judy. "I haven't felt any pain down there in a week. No telling if I'll ever be able to have kids again, not that our odds were great anyway, but it's only a scar down there now. Other than that, I am fit as a fiddle," she started scratching a special spot under Nick's ear, "and ready for love."

Nick let out a deep, familiar purr. "Well, in that case…"

With a surprised yelp from the rabbit, he scooped Judy up and started making his way back towards the bedroom.

" _ **She stood before me, those curvaceous hips swaying provocatively and the sweet scent of lust oozing out of her every pore. I could feel her eyes upon me, those amethyst pools defying me not to like what I saw and smelled, or perhaps begging me in her own playful way to like it."**_

And then Judy put her arms around Nick's neck, her hungry eyes gazing lovingly into his own.

" _ **I sensed his eyes upon me in return, those predatory emerald orbs gazing upon me as if I were a delicious piece of meat. I felt this primitive impulse to run. Some long-buried prehistoric fear that he might catch me, drag me to his den and ravage me…"**_

Nick entered the bedroom, playfully tossed Judy onto the bed, and before the bunny could react he pounced, landing right over her. The two gazed lovingly into each other's eyes for a few seconds, their noses almost touching.

" _ **As I gazed again into those beautiful eyes swimming with love, I felt an all-too familiar hunger begin to overtake me. That starved craving for fresh rabbit inherited from long-deceased ancestors, manifested in an entirely new way that was guaranteed to bring far-different and far-greater satisfaction…"**_

Judy giggled. "And just where does the big, bad fox intend to start his meal?"

Nick gave her a smirk worthy of the devil. _**"Elementary, my dear Hoppson."**_

And then he leaned over her and started nibbling playfully on one of her ears, getting the bunny riled up with the feel of his sharp canines on one of her most sensitive areas.

" _Eee! Yeek!_ Ha ha, Nick _, stoppit!"_ Judy squealed through excited giggles. Then, to her surprise, Nick did.

Judy panted, filled with want. "I didn't mean it, I swear. Please, keep going," she pleaded. No answer. "Nick?"

" _Snooore_ …"

A grinding snore was the fox's only reply: Nick had fallen asleep right on top of her. Judy clicked her fingers in front of the fox's face, but there was no doubt: Nick was out for the count.

"Oh well, guess there's tomorrow…" Judy reasoned with a sigh. And with that, she dug herself out from under Nick, went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and put on a nightie, and crawled back into bed, pushing the unconscious fox on his side and snuggling up next to him. Despite her own state of tiredness, Judy took a moment lying there to just enjoy the silence, permeated only by her bedmate's snores. There were no cries, no screams, no whimpers…

She missed it, she realized. All of it. She missed Ridley and Ella already. But she needed this. She and Nick both. Giving Nick a little kiss on the nose, she leaned up and whispered into his ear:

"Thank you for my children."

 **THE END**

* * *

 **A/N: I really hope you all had a good laugh at this story, and enjoyed my second foray into Nick and Judy's eventful and occasionally comical life outside the PIXAR machine. Once again, I would like to thank DrummerMax64 for editing and providing input on this story, and Cimar for creating this wonderful collaboration project! "It's Called a Surprise, Sweetheart" is now officially back in progress! And after that is done, well, I may do another story for this collection, since neither of my stories actually show Nick and Judy inside the PIXAR machine, and there were a few AU ideas I really liked that didn't make the cut in the end. We shall see. In the meantime, take care, all of you!  
**


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